


Only Fair

by somanyfeels



Series: What You Mean To Me [2]
Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abandonment, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Break Up, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Guilt, M/M, Misunderstandings, Rhodey Is a Good Bro, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Self-Hatred, Steve Angst, Steve Feels, Steve Has Issues, Steve Needs a Hug, Tony Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-04-19 13:58:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4748927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanyfeels/pseuds/somanyfeels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve had put Tony through six months of neglect and abandonment after the excitement of having Bucky back in his life pushed everything, even his relationship, off to the side.  Now that Tony was back in California trying to cope with the break up, Steve was certain he had made the biggest mistake of his life.</p><p>Sequel to So Selfish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. February

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mscerisier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mscerisier/gifts).



> This is a sequel to So Selfish, which is the first part of the 'What You Mean To Me' series. Feel free to read that first. It's Tony's POV of breaking up with Steve and trying to cope with his feelings of self-worth and feeling that Steve doesn't truly love him.  
> This takes place right after that.

Waking up alone was always the worst part.  Tony used to like to curl around him, insisted on being the bigger spoon, and complained frequently about Steve’s body heat.  Now it was nothing but cool blankets against him and the complete silence. Tony used to snore, it wasn’t loud or obnoxious, it was just a few soft, nasally breaths against Steve’s skin.  He used to kiss Steve in the mornings, run his mouth casually over every inch of available skin and whisper repeatedly about how much he loved him.  It broke Steve’s heart to think he may have thrown that all away.

The house was quiet when Steve took his sketchbook out into the living room, only the gentle sound of Sam shifting in his bed in the other room.  Tony was still in California with Bucky and Rhodey, both there to help him through his recent injuries and stop him from falling further into his self-destructive behaviors.  Natasha and Sam had come back to DC with him, making that three Avengers in DC in case of an emergency, three more in California, Thor in London, and Clint off doing whatever he did in times of peace when he wasn’t wandering around the tower.  If there was a large scale attack, there would always be someone close enough get there within the hour with backup on the way.  It was the most strategically sound position for the team.

Moving into Sam’s house had been almost too easy.  He couldn’t go back to the penthouse, not with Tony gone and the constant reminders that he had abandoned his lover.  He couldn’t go back to his apartment in the tower, which was bare and empty since he moved into Tony’s rooms.  Sam was his friend, they fought together, they got along, and although he felt guilty intruding on his friend it wasn’t like it was the first time it had ever happened.  It was a comfortable place and Steve was desperate for some company at this point so he allowed himself to take refuge in Sam’s guest room.  

“What do you want for breakfast?”  Sam said, walking out of his bedroom and out into the living room.  “If you’re not gonna pick then I’m going to make pancakes. I’m in the mood for pancakes.”

Steve shrugged.  “I don’t know.  I’m not too hungry.”

Sam didn’t answer.  He just stared at Steve, blinking slowly with a thoughtful expression on his face.  It was still early and for a while Steve wondered if Sam would join him for breakfast or leave him alone with his thoughts.  Maybe, if it was a good day, they could go jogging together or put on their uniforms and visit the Children’s Hospital.  Tony always loved doing that, he saved at least one Saturday every month for visiting a different hospital and children were always thrilled to have Iron Man there specifically to spend time with them.

Maybe Tony would pick up the phone today, he never did when Steve called to tell him ‘Good Morning’ or to wish him sweet dreams.  Maybe they could have a chance to talk and he could convince Tony how sincere he was with his apologies and then things might somehow work out between them.  Maybe, just maybe, Steve wouldn’t have to lose Tony forever.

Steve snapped out of the memories and hopeful thoughts as Sam took his empty sketchbook filled with blank pages out of his hands and replaced it with a plate piled high with pancakes.  Sam’s pancakes always tasted a little bit better than normal pancakes and he refused to give up the secret, not even Natasha had figured it out yet.  The fact that he had blueberry syrup just made everything so much sweeter.  Sam’s music was playing on the stereo, family photos were framed and sitting on shelves and tables, and little knickknacks or souvenirs littered the apartment.  It felt lived in and showed all the evidence of life.  His and Tony’s shared penthouse after he had left it was almost dead, all of the little reminders of Tony and what they had once had were lifeless memories that were more painful than pleasant.

“Do you think I have a chance of getting him back?”  Steve said, staring down at his plate.  “Do you think that once these six months are up that he’ll trust me again?”

Sam sighed, shaking his head slowly.  “No, man. I don’t think he’ll trust you.  I think, best case scenario, that at the end of this and he decides that going back to you is the best thing for him, then he’ll give you a chance to earn his trust back.  You made a mistake, it happens to the best of us, but sweeping it under the rug and pretending it never happened isn’t going to help anybody.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Steve said as he nodded.  He cut off a piece of his pancakes and took a bite. He wondered, briefly, what everyone back in California was doing.

 

~~~

 

Tony didn’t answer the phone, but Bucky did.  “Hey, Stevie. How are you doing?”

It was a surprise, Steve had been expecting to hear Tony’s voice message letting him know that the call was going to voicemail, hear that familiar voice telling him that he would ‘get back to his call whenever he could, which would probably be never’.  “Bucky.  Hi.  Are you okay? Is Tony alright?”  Steve said quickly.  “Why are you answering his phone?”

“Don’t worry.  Everyone’s doing alright.  Tony’s just in a meeting.  He can’t come to the phone right now.”  Bucky said.

“Okay.”  Steve said.  He sat down on the couch and listened carefully for Sam, he wasn’t entirely sure when he was supposed to be back from the VA, but hopefully it would be soon.  “What kind of meeting?  Is the company doing okay?  No, forget about all of that.  Can you just tell me how he is doing?”

Steve wanted to ask a thousand questions.  Was Tony sleeping?  Was he eating?  Was Bucky okay out there?  The situation was no doubt incredibly stressful for everyone involved, and Steve willing to admit he had been both relieved and sad that Bucky decided to stay out there to help Tony and Rhodey, but things could very well be becoming a bit too overwhelming.  He wanted Bucky to take care of himself, he wanted Tony to be okay, and he desperately wanted to take it all back and fix things.  Having the love of his life on the other side of the country, heartbroken and distraught, and his best friend leaving his side because of that was one of the worst feelings he had ever had.

“Steve, I can tell you he’s doing alright, but not much other than that.  You have to remember, this little arrangement of yours has only been going on for a few weeks for you but he’s been feeling like this for months.” Bucky said, his tone low and cautious. “He’s just doing what he’s been doing, just now he has a broken leg and can’t get around much.  It has been easier to keep an eye on him though.”

That calmed a few of his nerves.  Bucky was a good man and he cared about Tony, they would be just fine out there.  With Rhodey, Pepper, and Happy out there with them then things would be okay, they didn’t need Steve.

“Steve?”  Bucky said slowly.  Steve hummed, waiting for him to continue.  “You should probably stop calling.  Tony needs time to focus on himself and he can’t do that if you keep constantly reminding him that you’re there and waiting.  It’s confusing him.”

“Oh.  Right, sorry.”  Steve said. He desperately wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole.  He felt so much like a scare and lost puppy, waiting for their human to come home and pay attention to them.  It made sense though, Steve had spent six months obsessing over having Bucky back, alive and safe, that he had completely neglected and ignored the man he loved.  It was only fair that Tony had the same opportunity, to focus on himself while demanding that Steve give him some space.  Steve had caused six months of damage and now Tony deserved six months of healing.  “Just look out for him, okay?  He doesn’t eat enough, but if you drop a plate of food in front of him he’ll eat. He has these fluffy socks hidden in his bottom drawer that he likes to wear when he has a really bad day, if you stick them in the dryer before giving them to him then it’ll help in almost any situation.  Don’t let him watch scary movies with ghosts in them.  He says he isn’t scared but he really is.”

Bucky laughed.  “Okay, thanks.  I’ll keep that in mind.  But Rhodes is here and he’s been taking care of Tony longer than anyone so I think we’ll be okay.”  He said and Steve could hear the fondness in his tone and the smile in his voice.  “Don’t worry.  Tony’s been pretty relaxed since we found out the frostbite he got from the last kidnapping was just superficial and he wouldn’t lose any fingers and toes. The skin is blistering really bad and he’s gonna be in pain for quite a while as new skin grows back, but he doesn’t seem to mind too much.”

“That’s wonderful!” Steve said.  It really was, Tony may not think his toes are that important, but it would absolutely destroy him if he had lost his fingers.  “I’m just- I worry about him.  I love you, you know.  I may have royally screwed this whole thing up, but I want him to be alright.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. He’s a tough little shit.  He’s going to be okay.”  Bucky said, his voice relaxed.  Somewhere in the background, Steve could hear several doors bang open and a loud murmur of voices followed.  “I gotta go.  Don’t beat yourself up, okay?”

He hung up quickly, not even giving Steve a chance to respond.  Maybe that was how it felt, being replaced and pushed aside.  Bucky was with Tony now, either from his own sense of guilt for being Steve’s distraction or loyalty after Tony opened his home, his finances, and all of his resources in order to keep Bucky alive and safe.

It was quiet then. Steve didn’t have the calls to Tony as a distraction anymore.  He didn’t have to think of a message for him, to remind him about how loved he was and how he would do anything in the world for him.  He didn’t have the misplaced optimism telling him that today was the day, Tony would answer the phone and they would work things out.  Now he had nothing but his own thoughts and his patience. It hadn’t even been a single month yet, Tony wanted six to think about what he should do and to test Steve’s dedication, see if he was willing to wait for him.  Steve would wait six years if he had to.

 

~~~

 

It was Valentine’s Day. Steve used to love it, last year he had woken Tony up by running his mouth over every inch of his body and whispering soft endearments and promises of love into his skin.  They had ordered in dinner and spent the whole day wrapped around each other.  This year Steve ate a microwave dinner and watched Pacific Rim at Natasha’s insistence.

“What did you think? Fantastic.”  She said once the end credits started rolling.  Natasha seemed to answer her own question before she gave Steve a chance to analyze his feelings towards the movie.

Sam hummed encouragingly. “It had giant robots and Godzilla-like creatures.” He said matter-of-factly.  “A true cinematic masterpiece.”

“I like how they didn’t kiss in the end.  Like, the movie wasn’t about them falling in love, it was about them saving the world.” Steve said.  It was true, after a while it was easy to get sick of all the women with so much potential in stories just get turned into love interests who somehow aren’t able to handle themselves anymore.  “A lot of the storyline I didn’t quite understand, but I liked it.  Fantastic.”

Steve almost felt bad about ruining Sam and Natasha’s holiday, they could both be out having a good time with whoever they wanted and here they were keeping Steve preoccupied with action movies and pizza bagels.  Still, it didn’t stop him from glancing down at his phone and looking through old, very old, pictures of him and Tony happy and cheerful together and looking through his messages.  Tony hadn’t called him and he wasn’t supposed to call Tony.  Valentine’s Day was almost too perfect at reminding him that he wasn’t in a relationship with the man he loved anymore because he had convinced Tony that he wasn’t important anymore.

All it really did was remind him of everything he had left Tony to do alone.  He had spent their own anniversary helping Bucky paint over the red star on his arm.  Tony was understanding, said that anniversary dinners were a waste of time anyway, and kissed him softly before leaving.  It was so painfully obvious now that he was looking back on it now that Tony was hurting, that the abandonment was digging under his skin and poisoning him.

He had messed the dates too, so many dates that were planned weeks in advance, that were arranged so carefully to celebrate achievements or to reassert their love, and Steve had missed so many of them.  In the six month period since he had begun focusing on Bucky’s recovery until Tony couldn’t handle it anymore and left, Steve could count about two dozen missed dates. Most of them were cancelled the day of in favor of helping Bucky through a tough time or to stay with him while he regained bits of his memory.  Some Steve had simply forgotten entirely and didn’t show up for.

Hell, now that he was thinking about it.  Tony should have left him sooner.  Since the moment Bucky’s nightmares started and Steve moved out of Tony’s room and into Bucky’s to be what he thought was helpful, things were going downhill.  At the time he seemed to have conveniently forgotten that Tony didn’t sleep well on his own, not when nightmares of torturous deserts and cold alien skies haunted his nights.  None of that crossed his mind at the time, because Bucky was dreaming about Hydra.  Tony was wasting away right in front of him and Steve hadn’t seen a damn thing.

Steve’s attention was dragged back into the room when Sam wrapped his hand loosely around his wrist. When he looked at him in question, with an eyebrow raised and a soft frown, Sam just gave him a sad smile and his hand a reassuring squeeze.  Sam was a good friend, always knowing exactly what Steve needed, whether it was pancakes for breakfast or an anchor to stop him from falling into his own head.

“Thanks for letting us stay here, Sam.”  Steve said. “I know we’re not the easiest house guests.”

“Says you.”  Natasha said, not taking her eyes off of the tv. Some other film that Steve didn’t recognize was already in the middle of playing, he hadn’t noticed them put it on. “I’m a delight.”

“Yeah, you guys are welcome here any time you like.”  Sam said, shaking his head with a soft chuckle.  “And it’ll be nice to have someone to split the bills with.”

Natasha finally took her eyes off of the tv and looked over to them.  “Oh, you’re gonna make Captain America, the man who fought for this country in the Second World War, pay rent?  Where’s your sense of patriotism?  Your respect for the elderly?”

“I don’t know, Sam.  I’m not feeling very respected right now and I think it has nothing to do with paying my fair share of the household expenses.”  Steve said. He leaned over and flicked Natasha’s ear.  “I think it’s Miss Sassy over here, she thinks she’s funny.”

Just like that, the negative energy in the room and the guilt filled thoughts there were overwhelming his head seemed to lesson.  Sam never let go of his comforting hold on his hand and Natasha kept the endless stream of loud and distracting action movies playing.  It was nice, comforting.

Five more months. Steve only had to wait five more months before he would know if Tony made a decision or not.  They had agreed upon the arrangement towards the middle of January, after a rescue attempt from Tony and Bucky’s kidnapping had landed them buried in a freezing mountain.  He would make it.  He would fix what he broke and even if Tony decided that he could put himself back in that situation with Steve anymore then he hoped they could mend their friendship. Maybe they could get the team back together and go back to what they were, partners and friends who could enjoy each other’s company.  It would hurt, not being able to hold Tony like he used to, but he would endure it.  He just had to survive five more months.


	2. March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, got a lot going on right now. I'm lucky I can still write, it calms me and makes me happy. Thank you for all the fantastic comments and the support.

Steve didn’t see it. He had gone to every location, every small town attraction and roadside anomaly that Tony had been too after he ran away on Christmas.  He didn’t understand the appeal or why these places attracted Tony when he was trying to run away.  All Steve saw was a bunch of old relics and strange statues.  There was an exact replica of Stonehenge made out of cars and Steve didn’t see the point.

“It’s modern art, man. You either get it or you don’t.” Sam said, he was staring at the statues with the same unimpressed look that Steve was sure was on his face as well.

“Well, Tony must have got it because he kept visiting these places.”  Steve said quickly.  He turned around and left, heading back to Sam’s car and away from the giant piece of nothing.  He didn’t understand, usually Steve could love almost any form of art and creativity and experience it, but all he saw when he looked at these things were Tony and how he must have felt being here.

Tony had spent Christmas day, New Years, and two full weeks running away from the mess that Steve had made of their lives and of all the places in the world he could have visited he came here.  He could have vacationed in Paris or disappeared in Colombia like he always talked about doing.  ‘Best coffee in the world’ Tony had always said.  Still, he decided to spend the winter holidays on an elaborate road trip that had seemingly no value to a man like him.

Steve climbed into the passenger seat of the car and moments later Sam sat down behind the wheel. They got back on the road and Steve crossed off another attraction off of the list he had created.  Whatever Tony’s goal was in visiting these places were still a mystery and he just wanted to understand.

“I don’t know.  I don’t think it means anything that Tony was here.”  Sam said, his voice calm and friendly in a way that it was whenever he wanted to cheer Steve up.  “I think he was just looking for something to fill the time so he didn’t have to think about things too much.  We all do it, you go running, Nat keeps saying I stress bake but whatever, and maybe Tones just likes looking at giant balls of string and hotels shaped like cats.”

It would make sense. Tony always did have a weird sense of beauty and creativity.  He tended to favor art that made no sense over anything visually compelling, maybe the world’s largest rocking chair was just something he could enjoy when he was having a tough time, and perhaps he found the uselessness of it to be relatable and endearing.  Or maybe it engaged him somehow.  Maybe he had no reason at all.

“I just want to know how he felt.”  Steve said slowly, keeping his eyes firmly on the road in front of him.  “He spent Christmas day in a car by himself, going from one of these places to the next.”

“And you spent Christmas crying, looking for a way to fix something you hadn’t realized was broken.” Sam said.  “He was hurting, but you were hurting too.  You got overwhelmed with Bucky being back and made some bad decisions, but that doesn’t mean you did it maliciously.  You just wanted to do what was best for your oldest friend and hadn’t realized how you actions towards him might affect other people, it happens to the best of us.  Don’t get too down on yourself.”

At moments like these, Steve wished he could look up at the stars and thank whatever divine being there was in the universe for bringing him Sam.  Perhaps he could have Thor pass along the message.  He was right, he usually was about these things.  Steve had made a series of tiny mistakes that he didn’t realize were there and it all led to a huge climax, leaving him on one coast and Tony on the other.  He had left Tony alone, listening to the hollow lies when the man told him it was all okay.  Steve was willing to admit that it was a mistake and that no one could be perfect all the time, he could even acknowledge that Tony leaving had devastated and hurt him, but it didn’t change the fact that Steve was the one who drove him to do it.  Steve had allowed himself to push Tony to the side because he hadn’t realized that he could be a good friend and boyfriend all at the same time.

The landscape outside the window gradually shifted and changed, hours had passed before Steve realized they were headed to the next landmark.  Sam had agreed to join Steve on his trip, to try to figure out how Tony had been feeling so he could understand and make it right.  It was turning up to be a failure, whatever Tony saw in these places was invisible to Steve.

“Turn around, Sam.” Steve said softly.  “Let’s just go home.”

“But Ste-“

“I’m not gonna find what I’m looking for out here.  It’ll be best to just go home and wait.”  Steve said. He couldn’t do it anymore.  He couldn’t try desperately to speed the process along and prove to Tony that he was willing to put forth an effort. Winning him back wasn’t as simple as understanding him and his feelings.  Winning Tony back was going to take five more months of dedication and patience.

He didn’t feel like he was going to make it.

 

~~~

 

All of the beds in Sam’s house were surprisingly firm.  Tony’s bed had always been a bit too soft, the fact that he had gotten any sleep at all was just a testament of how comforting it was to have the man curl around him at night.  There was a late snow outside, winter’s last ditch effort to survive the warming temperatures, and Steve could see the large flakes fall from his window.  He was toasty warm under his blankets.  The coziness of it all practically glued him to his bed.

There was no shame in spending the day in bed.  Steve was sure that since he had spent the last few years of his life saving the world, jumping from one mission to another, or constantly training for the next battle that he was a little overdue for a lazy day.  He tried to find a reason to get out of bed and upon finding none he rolled over and buried his head back into his pillow.

It was quiet.  None of the soft, nasally snoring that usually came along with sleeping next to Tony.  He hadn’t realized how much he missed it until he wasn’t allowed to have it anymore.  He had willingly gave it away before, ignored all the little things he loved about Tony and why he would have spent his life with him.  He felt like an idiot.

“What was wrong with me?” Steve said to no one.  There was no body there.  He was sleeping alone.

He could still see it clear as day, the way the light would catch his honey brown eyes, the wrinkles on his nose when he smiled too big, the way he would bite his lower lip to try to suppress his noises in bed.  Steve could see all the tiny details, the ones he loved with everything he had, and he had tossed them aside.

Bucky answered his phone on the third ring.  Of all the people out in California, he was the only one to ever pick up his calls. “I made a huge mistake, Buck.” Steve said the moment he heard the click that indicated the call went through.

“Hey, Steve.  It’s good to hear from you too.”  Bucky said, his tone fond.  “And you can’t change the past, Steve.  Mistakes happen.”

“You’ve been talking to Sam.”  Steve said. He rolled over again, looking back at his window with the falling snow.  It was piling up outside, but will probably melt within the next few days. It would make it muddy.  “Why are all of my friends not on my side?  Aren’t you supposed to reassuring me that everything will work out?”

Bucky sighed, it sounded sad.  “I’m not on anyone’s side Stevie.  I just don’t know.”  He said slowly.

“Is he okay?”

“About as okay as you’d expect.  He’s just been working a lot.  His nightmares got pretty bad for a little while, but I think it’s getting better now.” Bucky said.  Steve could clearly hear the hesitation, like he was talking about something he didn’t think he should.

“He doesn’t like to sleep alone.”  Steve said. It was true, he had always known that. But he had abandoned Tony in their room alone with his nightmares simply because Bucky had started up a few of his own. The regret felt like a stab in the gut.

“I know, Steve.” Bucky said quickly.  “Let’s not talk about Tony, I feel like I’m betraying his trust.  How are you doing?”

Steve was tempted to lie. He should have said that he was doing fine without both of them.  That Sam and Natasha had kept him busy and entertained, that the overwhelming grief and regret hadn’t settled deep in his bones.  He wanted to tell Bucky that Tony forcing him away didn’t stab like a knife in the gut and that the lingering thoughts of Tony’s six months of abandonment didn’t fill his head at night.  Maybe he should mention that he didn’t know which would have been worse, to knowingly be abandoned, to tell your lover that they should be apart and to run away to the other end of the country, or to be abandoned accidently and watch the interest leave your lover’s eyes as they give you the barest amounts of attention when the focus was on another.  Maybe he should tell Bucky that even though these six months were hard on him, it was nothing compared to what Tony had gone through.

“I’m doing alright.” He finally settled on.  “How are you?  I’m bored out of my mind, tell me about how you’re liking California.”

“That’s good to hear.” Bucky said.  “I’m fine.  Finally gotten used to Malibu, I think.  The security at the mansion is nothing like the tower, it sucks.  I spent half the time trying to improve it so people won’t sneak in during the night to kill or capture us all.  The pizza is horrible too.”

Steve laughed.  That sounded a lot like Bucky.  He hadn’t been able to sleep at the tower the first few weeks until he had made certain it was safe.  Steve didn’t know if it was from some underlying fear that Hydra would come back for him or to make sure they would all be safe from upcoming threats. Tony had been the one to walk him through the security protocols and Bucky had helped improve them, all of it had happened one night while Steve was away and Tony couldn’t sleep.

“Thank you, for being there for him.”  Steve said.

There was a pause, Bucky didn’t say anything but Steve could hear his steady breathing.  “Not doing it for you, Stevie.  I owe the guy.”  He said calmly.  “But don’t worry about a thing.  I won’t let anything happen to him.”

“That’s good to hear.” Steve said, Bucky’s words were tumbling around in his head.  “I’m thinking about talking to someone.”

Another pause.  “Who?  About what?”

“I don’t know yet, Buck. All I know is I hurt the man I love because I couldn’t figure out how to prioritize my life and manage my time.” Steve said.  “That wasn’t an accident, people don’t just move out of their lover’s bedroom for six months and not notice.  People don’t skip anniversaries and celebrations because they think their best friend might remember something that day.  I did those things, I may not have realized, but I did. I want to know why.”

“Steve.”  Bucky said slowly.

Steve hung up.

 

~~~

 

Steve saw Tony again for the first time in two months towards the end of March.  It was at a charity gala trying to raise money for better police and fireman training in low income areas devastated by villain attacks. The Avengers were all expected to attend.  Steve saw Tony across the room and had demanded his all of his attention.

Tony looked terrible. He was thinner, his cheeks sunken in and the shadows under his eyes were far more prominent that Steve had remembered. It was all carefully hidden though. Delicately applied makeup evened out his skin tone and gave him a healthy looking glow, Steve could recognize Pepper’s work anywhere.  He knew what Tony really looked like when he wasn’t made up for the press, how his carefully combed hair turned into a curly bedhead and how all the pores and freckles on his face that vanished in the spotlight like all other imperfections would usually be brushed across his face.

Steve wanted to go up and talk to him, apologize and grovel until Tony understood his sincerity and forgave him.  The worst thing that could happen was that Tony told him to leave and then, because he couldn’t follow the rules of their ‘six months apart’ experiment, Tony would never take him back.  That was their arrangement, an ‘experiment’ as Tony had called it, to test to see if Steve was as dedicated and in love with Tony has he had always said he was. Steve had tossed Tony to the side for six months when Bucky came back and now Tony gets six months to work out his life and his feelings and decide what would be best for himself.  Steve couldn’t step in and ruin that.

A waiter with a tray of champagne flutes walked by and Steve’s whole body tensed.  Tony was looking at the tray and the sparkling glasses on it and reached for one.  Almost instantly, Rhodey was there with his hand on Tony’s back and a reassuring smile. He deflated then, Tony’s hand dropping to his side.  That was good, Rhodey was helping Tony get over his drinking again.  Of course, a place like this would be tough on him. He had already seen Steve, a brief moment of eye contact from across the ballroom and then Steve had ducked his head and turned away like a scolded child.

“Are you alright, man?” Sam asked.  Steve nodded.  “Did you have the crab cake?  It’s fantastic.”

“It is pretty good. But I would recommend the stuffed mushrooms actually.”  Natasha said. Steve hummed.  “Steve, you can’t mope around the next four months.  You’re going to fall apart.”

“I know.  I’m going to pull myself together.”  Steve said.  “I was actually thinking about going on a little trip to clear my head.  I made a huge mistake this past year and I want to just figure things out.  I won’t be gone long.  A few weeks at most.”

“Do you want one of us to come with you?”  Sam said, frowning softly.  “You know I’d follow you anywhere.  We’re teammates.”

Steve shook his head. He admired Sam’s loyalty, even though he didn’t deserve it.  “No, this is something I have to do on my own.  I’m leaving next week.”

“I get it.  You just need some time to figure things out.” Sam said, reaching out and squeezing Steve’s shoulder.  “This little period of time isn’t just for Tony, you know.  You both gotta decide what you want and how your life is gonna be. Don’t feel bad for taking time for yourself.”

Steve didn’t deserve any of this.  He didn’t deserve Sam’s loyalty, his friendship, he didn’t deserve to have all of these fantastic people as his teammates, and he definitely didn’t deserve Tony.  If by some miracle he decided to take him back, then Steve had to make sure that he would treat Tony the way he should be treated, had to tell him every day how loved and cherished he was.  Steve wanted to make sure that would happen and he couldn’t do it by wallowing around in Sam’s house like a little kid who didn’t get the toys he wanted.  He had to work to be better.

Steve left the gala with a plan and a heavy heart.  Tony left the gala drunk. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next few chapters will be longer and more in detail with feelings and plot stuff, right now it's just finishing up getting down Steve's initial emotions and thoughts about the separation. Next chapter will be better.


	3. April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay update! We're halfway through.

There was a bunker under Brooklyn.  Hardly anyone alive even knew it was there anymore, but Steve remembered it clearly. His life had changed in that forgotten, underground bunker, and although seventy years had gone by and the world changed around it, the place was still very much the same.  Covered in dust, but still as clear as it had ever been.

Howard’s machine was still in the center of the largest room, with the monitors and controls curved around the edges.  The burnt out observational room was high on one of the walls.  This was the place where Steve had changed, where the very fibers of his DNA were altered to make him better, faster, stronger.

“So, I know this is unexpected.  And a bit creepy.”  Steve said into the empty room and sat down on the dirty floor.  “But I need your help and you’re one of the few people who were really gave sound advice and was generally a good person.  So, here I am.  Talking to the dead and begging for help.  I don’t even really believe in ghosts, so please help me out here, Dr. Erskine.”

He pulled an old bottle of schnapps out from under his jacket and two small, plastic cups.  He poured equal amounts into each cup and only took one in his hand.  He downed it in one go, not even bothered by the sting of alcohol or the strong taste. He couldn’t get drunk, but there was still something comforting about the way it felt to drink it.

“I’m not sure what kind of stuff you get to know about once you’re dead.  Maybe you’re not even here anymore, maybe you’re off in heaven or were born again somewhere else, or whatever the hell happens.  Maybe this whole ‘ghost’ thing isn’t totally nonsense.” Steve said jokingly.  It felt wrong to be talking into an empty room where seventy years ago a dear friend had died.  Everything felt odd and wrong, it had for a while.  “Maybe you met up with Howard wherever you are.  Did he tell you about his kid?  Tony?  I bet he was a great kid, he certainly is one of the best men I’ve ever known.”

There was no answer. He didn’t expect one.  “I guess you could understand why I’m here.  I sorta fell in love with this fella and I didn’t treat him right.  Now he’s gone and I’m not sure I can keep going without him.”  Steve said.  It was the honesty of the statement that got to him.  Everything had gotten so much harder without Tony there.  Steve had trouble getting up out of bed, he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror anymore, he couldn’t stand the smell of coffee or motor oil, and he could sleep without the sound of that gentle snoring. “I just tossed him to the side like he was nothing, when in actuality he was everything.  I should have told him every day how much I loved him, how special he was, how perfect.  Now he doesn’t want me anywhere near him.”

“I made him feel like nothing.  You know what that is?  You know what that kind of neglect is?  Do you know what it’s called when you tell someone you love them and then leave them when they need you and abandon them as much as I did to Tony?”  Steve said slowly, feeling the weight of his words before he even said them.  “That’s abuse, Erskine.  I hurt Tony and I can’t take that back.  I can’t make those six months disappear, where I mad Tony believe that he wasn’t important.  I can’t fix this.”

Steve didn’t believe in ghosts, but if they were out there and they wanted to send Steve a sign then now would have been the perfect time.  Some little message or clue on what to do to make this all up to Tony, to help him heal and love himself as much as Steve loved him.  Tony deserved better than what he got and Steve should have been there for him.

There was nothing, no sign, no ghostly presence like in the movies.  It was just an empty room haunted with only distant memories, just as it should be.  He probably shouldn’t have come, he should have gone to actually talk to someone helpful who could help him understand things.

“Back when we were getting started you told me that the serum enhanced everything.  ‘Good becomes great and bad becomes worse’ and all that nonsense.  Well, maybe you were wrong and I’m not all good.”  Steve said slowly.  He poured himself another cup and tossed it back, wishing he could get drunk just this once.  Maybe then he could once again understand just another thing that causing Tony to suffer because of him.  “Maybe I’m just a normal fella, and when you gave me the serum I just became more normal, more flawed.  Still capable of hurting good people and making huge, irreversible mistakes.”

Steve stood up and began packing his things away.  There was no answer.  Nothing. Maybe Erskine's ghost was actually just ignoring him as a way of helping.  Forcing him to look for comfort and answers when no one was there to offer him any.  It was sad, lonely.  

 

~~~

 

Steve was still in New York when he saw the magazines.  Tony was on the cover, which wasn’t surprising.  The stories were usually nothing but exaggerated fiction trying to paint Tony’s life as something that it wasn’t.  This time the photo on the cover caught Steve’s attention.  Tony was sitting in one of those outdoor cafés, smiling brightly at Bucky while the man brushed a strand of hair behind Tony’s ear. It was entirely innocent.

Except that it wasn’t.

There were photos upon photos of Bucky with Tony outside of a doctor’s office, smiling at each other and laughing.  Tony looked healthier than last time he had seen him, he had put on weight, his face had a natural, healthy glow, and he looked generally happy.  And Steve wasn’t there to actually see it.  He ignored all the stories that blamed their breakup on Tony’s drinking or some ‘steamy love affair’ with his best friend and instead focused on the pictures.

Bucky was there for Tony, helping him and they both looked happy with the arrangement.  Steve had never done that for them.  All he had ever done was leave Tony completely alone while he treated Bucky like an incapable child.  Bucky didn’t need him every night, he didn’t need him to hold his hand as they eased him back into his liberties, and he didn’t need Steve’s help coming to terms with what had happened, that was a fight he did mostly on his own.

Tony and Bucky were better friends to each other than Steve could ever hope to be.  Bucky listened to Tony, was there for him when he needed him. Bucky stayed with Tony after he had been hospitalized for his chest injury and wanted Steve to leave.  He shared the experience of the kidnapping with Tony, stayed with him when he was delirious with hypothermia and didn’t know if he would keep all of his fingers and toes.  He was helping Tony overcome his alcoholism, Steve may not know how but he was there and Tony wanted him to be.

Steve couldn’t even begin to imagine all the little things Tony had done for Bucky, even while Steve was pushing him aside.  Tony had helped Bucky, given him a home and security, helped him feel safe.  He did that without being asked and while still feeling as if Steve had chosen Bucky over him.  Tony was a better man than he could ever be.

He wished he was there with them, laughing along at their jokes and being there for them for whatever they needed.  He couldn’t though, Tony didn’t want him there.  All he had now were a handful of blurry photos from a gossip magazine.

 

~~~

 

Steve was in New York for two weeks.  He had spent only a few hours total talking to uncooperative ghosts looking for answers or advice.  None of them ever answered him.  He spent the rest of the time jumping between Tony’s favorite fast food restaurants and their floor in the tower.  The memories were bittersweet.  

He had gone back to see Peggy in DC before heading back to Sam’s house.  She had known Tony since he was a boy, had known Steve since before the serum.  If it was a good day then maybe she could help, if she was having a bad day than a visit was the best he could ask for.  He loved seeing Peggy, talking about her long and happy life even though she would forget the conversation before it was over.  Seeing her was also bittersweet.

“Always so dramatic.” Peggy said, smiling at him.  “Both of you.  I swear putting you two boys together was just calling for trouble.”

“I loved him, Pegs.  I know it’s a bit rude of me to come in here and talk about falling in love with someone else, but you’re the only one I can talk to about this.”  Steve said, returning her bright smile and relaxing into his chair.  “I screwed everything up and now all of my teammates are scattered all over the place trying to live their own lives while fixing what I broke. Tony’s falling apart and it’s all because of me.”

Peggy laughed and shook her head.  “Steve, darling.  Tony used to be such a small boy.  Knee high with his fists curled into my skirts as if I would disappear the moment he let go.  Always did get attached to people, desperate for attention.  You wouldn’t blame him if you saw Howard’s parenting.”  She said softly, her eyes grew distant.  She looked almost sad.  After several minutes Steve started to worry about whether or not he should go, if Peggy had drifted off and wouldn’t be back for a while. When he tried to pull away her grip tightened instantly on his hand and she turned back to him.  “Tony’s always had these problems.  He wants people to like him, to notice him.  He thinks that if they spend time with him and give him the barest amounts of attention, then they love him.  Or at least care about him.  It doesn’t matter if the attention is good or bad, it’s just how things were arranged in his mind.”

Steve’s smile stiffened. Peggy didn’t seem to understand quite what she was saying based on her tone of nostalgic bliss and relaxation. She was saying that Tony didn’t feel like he mattered if people didn’t notice him, implying that even bad attention was better than no attention at all.  That was such a sad thing to consider, that Tony had taken Steve’s distraction as a rejection of care, of being unloved.  He had heard the rumors, that Howard saw Tony only on few special occasions and spoke to him even less than that.  That his mother was always busy with her charities and travels.  It made sense.

“This is my fault.” Steve said slowly.  He let go of Peggy’s hand and let his head fall into his hands, holding back the few tears threatening to fall.  He could practically see him, Tony, waiting for the love he had never gotten and settling on being noticed instead.

“Partially, but to be honest something like this was probably bound to happen.”  Peggy said.  “He had a similar breakdown when his friend Rhodey graduated from school and went off to join the military.  Poor boy always thinks people will get sick of him and leave.”

Steve sighed.  “I didn’t really help with that, did I?”  He said slowly.

“No, you didn’t.  You do have some of the blame, but don’t take it all for yourself.  You may be Captain America, but you can’t control someone’s emotions and you certainly can’t change the past.”  Peggy said. She struggled to sit up and Steve put his arm under her to help.  Once she was sitting up she wrapped her arms around Steve’s neck and held him close.  “You’re a good man, Steve Rogers.  No one said you had to be perfect.  You made a mistake, now you have to fix it.”

 

~~~

 

Sam welcomed him home with a large, warm hug and three separate kinds of cakes.  Natasha was right, Sam was a stress baker.  There was also two dozen homemade cookies in ziplock bags in the fridge that Sam denied making and a tray of cupcakes still in the oven.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  This is a perfectly normal amount of treats.  People bake this much all the time.”  He said once he helped Steve get settled back in.  “My gram-gram baked twice this much on an average Sunday.”

“Gram-gram?”  Steve asked, the smile sliding onto his face effortlessly.

Sam laughed and went back to icing one of the cakes, it looked to be white cake with strawberry frosting.  “Don’t make fun, she was an incredible woman.”  He said fondly.  “And the cookies aren’t mine.  You may not believe me-“

“I don’t, my master baker.” Steve said, cutting him off.

Sam paused to glare at him. “You may not believe me, but those are actually cookies my mother brought.  You’ll love them, they’re the best in the world.”  Sam said.  He stepped away from the cake to grab a bag out of the fridge and dropping it onto the counter in front of Steve.  “How was your trip?”

“It was fine.  New York is always such a strange place.  It’s either exactly the same or completely different, no middle ground.”  Steve said. He took a bite out of one of the cookies, they were fantastic.  “Wow.”

“Right, I told you they were good!”  Sam said, smiling brightly with such a warm expression that Steve had to smile back. “You find an apartment in Brooklyn yet?”

“Sam, I thought we were friends.  You trying to get rid of me already?”  Steve said. He paused, his smile frozen on his face. In an attempt to cheer himself up he shoved another cookie into his mouth.  They were good, but they weren’t magic.  “If I’m a burden, don’t worry about it.  I can just leave.  It’s fine.”

“Don’t you dare!”  Sam said quickly.  “I’m not kicking your ass out, man.  I’m just trying to make small talk.  DC isn’t your home, I just thought you were getting ready to head back where it’s familiar.”

“Not a lot is familiar these days, Sam.”  Steve said. He closed the package of cookies and got up to put them back in the fridge.  “I either go back to the tower and sleep in my empty room, go to California where I’m not wanted or needed and will likely do more harm than good, or stay here and be close to my friends.”

Sam hummed and went back to finishing his cake.  “Well, you’re welcome here for as long as you want.  Hell, you can move in if you’re up for it.”  He said.

“Thanks, I appreciate it.” Steve said.  He looked over at his friend, Sam’s back was tense as he bent over the counter, dark bags under his eyes made them appear puffy and tired, and his hands shook slightly as he held the frosting.  “So, why are you baking?”

Sam didn’t look up.  “Hm?”

“You’re a stress baker, Sam. What’s bothering you?”

Sam didn’t say anything, but the way his mouth twitched Steve could tell that he had heard him. He was going to finish his cake, that much was obvious.  It was already more than halfway done so Steve didn’t mind waiting.  Sam was going slower now, carefully adding frosting to the layers of cake and making sure it was even.  It was probably calming for him, kept his hands and his mind occupied as whatever was bothering him disappeared into the back of his head. Bucky did the same thing with playing piano, Tony with his machines, and Steve with his training.

“I’m just having a tough time, is all.”  Sam said once he finished, his voice soft and calm.  He carefully covered the cake and put it in the fridge.  “Happens sometimes.  Can’t sleep, mind won’t stop working, and all the regrets just bubbling up to the surface.  Just got to wait it out, it’ll pass.”

“Any triggers?”  Steve asked.  He sat patiently as Sam pulled the tray of cupcakes out of the oven and sent them on the counter.

Sam shrugged.  “I don’t know, man.  It’s just one of those weeks.  Can’t really do much, just gotta ride it out.”  He said slowly.  He was looking at the cupcakes with a contemplative expression.  “I am glad you’re back though, I could use the company.  You can tell me the story about how you punched a tank unconscious.”

“That was a rumor and it doesn’t even make sense.”  Steve said quickly.

Sam shook his head and started putting everything away, his interest in baking apparently satisfied for the day.  “Nah, man. I think it’s true.  Weirder things have happened.”

That was true, weirder things have definitely happened at one point or another.  Steve was a man from the 40s living in the 21st century and he was barely thirty years old.  Sam had a jetpack with wings, Bucky had a metal arm, Tony had a bunch of robot suits and computers that spoke.  Thor was an alien.  The world was a strange place, Steve didn’t feel like questioning it anymore.

They ended up sprawled out on the couch, watching some movie Steve didn’t know the name of.  It was in French, the plot was rather confusing, but the cinematography was stunning.  The gentle movie played as the two main characters walked down the street and Sam’s head fell to Steve’ shoulder, his eyes closed and his breathing soft.

He didn’t move.  Sam looked exhausted and could use the rest. Steve didn’t mind being used as a pillow, it was actually pretty comfortable.  He laid back slowly and got the remote, changing the movie to something a bit easier to follow.  It ended up being a cartoon.

Sam’s nightmares started an hour later and Steve held him as he called out.  He kissed his forehead when he sobbed.  Steve told Sam that he was never going to leave him and that sometimes bad things happen and that he didn’t know why Riley had to die.  

 

~~~

 

It was a large scale attack on Mumbai.  The whole team was called in, except for Iron Man who was supposed to still be on medical leave due to the still healing blisters and sensitive skin on his hands and feet.  Naturally, he ignored that and was flying across the sky above the battle.  Bucky was on a nearby rooftop, watching his back and taking care of any of the robots that broke away from the main fight. Rhodey helped Tony, Vision, and Sam with air support.  Thor and Hulk were covering the main group.  Steve, Clint, Natasha, and Wanda were handling civilian evacuation and rescue. They were all on their toes and Steve didn’t have time to look at the red in the sky and realize that Tony was so close.

The mission went fine, no one had taken a hit, no civilian casualties, and all the enemies were destroyed. Usually they would have a post-battle meal.  Tony’s treat every time.  Steve somehow doubted that that would be the case this time, but he still couldn’t stop the tiny ray of hope.  Tony was still in the suit, standing off to the side as he let a little girl try on his helmet.

“How has he been doing?” Steve asked, turning to Bucky.  It was the first time he had seen his friend in months, happiness and relief overcame him when he looked between Bucky and Tony.  “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good. Sleeping okay, finally on a normal eating schedule, Tony helped me put all my music on one of those Ipods. Everything’s good with me.”  Bucky said calmly.  Steve waited, raising an eyebrow and patting his friend on the shoulder. “Fine.  Enough about me.  I can’t tell you all the dirty details of what’s going on with Tony.  He’s my friend, breach of trust and whatever. All I’ll say is that he’s getting better and getting some help.”

Steve felt about ready to collapse.  All the stress and worry from the past two months had just melted away, Tony was going to be alright.  Even though Steve had ruined everything and even though he will probably never have Tony again the way he used to, he could take comfort in knowing that Tony was going to be alright.  Steve may have destroyed their relationship, but he didn’t destroy Tony as completely as he was worried he had.

He looked over to Tony, smiling as the little girl danced around with the Iron Man helmet on her head. Tony was smiling fondly at her, the edges of his smile hard and when the little girl tried to hand it back, his fingers curled slowly and stiffly around it.  Something was wrong.  Bucky was moving before Steve could even blink.  He lowered Tony into a sitting position and started tapping on the joints of his elbows until Tony released the suit and the parts slid off with ease.

Tony’s hands were a bleeding mess, the delicate skin that was slowly healing over from being burnt and blistered from the extreme cold had torn from too many harsh and quick movements in the suit.  Lines of blood formed a web like pattern across his hands and now that the gauntlets were gone the blood was flowing freely.  Steve hadn’t even realized he was moving until he was crouched next to Bucky with a first-aid kit in hand.

“It’s fine.  You guys worry too much.”  Tony mumbled as Bucky’s hands ran tenderly over his wrists and cleaned the blood away with what was left from his water bottle.  Tony didn’t pull away from Bucky’s touches and kept his hands still as they rested in Bucky’s gentle palms.  “Don’t worry about it.”

Steve reached forward with the tube of antibacterial ointment, but Tony pulled his hands away. His eyes were staring at the ground, occasionally glancing up to see Bucky, but never looking at Steve.  Bucky sighed and reached over to grab the tube out of Steve’s hands.  They sat like that for a while, Steve an outside observer just watching as Bucky gently ran his hands over Tony’s.  It was soft and caring and Steve wasn’t quite sure when he had his revelation but it was probably around the time that Bucky and Tony looked at each other and smiled. Steve suddenly felt like he was invading a private moment and quickly turned tail and ran.

Sam baked that night. The whole team stopped by his small house and crammed into the kitchen and it was almost like old times.  Except Bucky had taken Steve’s spot on Tony’s left and Rhodey stayed in his permanent position on Tony’s right.  Steve was on the other end of the table, pretending not to notice Sam giving him the largest muffins.

“We did good today, Cap.” Tony said to him, still avoiding eye contact.  It was the best he was probably going to get at this point, so he would take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, more to come!


	4. May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I became crap at replying to comments! I still read every one of them and I love them dearly!!!

 

They all moved back to the tower.  All of them.  Tony went back up to the penthouse, Steve lived on his old floor.  Although the physical distance between them had greatly diminished, the emotional distance just seemed to amplify.  Steve access code to Tony’s lab wasn’t working, his clearance onto Tony’s floor had been revoked, and the man avoided him as if his life depended on it.

 

The team was still divided, having them all in one building didn’t change a thing.  Everyone took turns having meals with him and Sam and eating with Tony and Rhodey.  They didn’t do movie nights anymore.  They didn’t do anything that would have required them all to be in the same place.  It was sad to have the whole team there, but not together.

 

Training always went smoothly.  Missions went on without a hitch.  Captain America and Iron Man worked just fine together.  Tony refused to be in the same room as Steve.  Captain America and Iron Man discussed battle strategies.  Tony and Steve didn’t even talk.  Instead, what little news Steve ever got about Tony came from other people.  Thor insisted that Tony was stronger than they gave him credit for and was overcoming his demons with grace and determination.  Natasha told him that Tony was healing, learning to care about himself without associating his worth to who cared about him, and while this meant great things, she also implied that it was very likely Tony wouldn’t take him back.  No one else, not even Bucky, shared anything personal other than a brief ‘he’s alright’.

 

“Maybe it’s because you’re a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve to have any part in his life.”  Rhodes said slowly one night.  Tony had a late night business meeting, something important enough to the company that he actually had to attend, and so the whole team was together for dinner.  A rare event, and not an altogether happy one.  “Stop asking about Tony.  He’s doing just fine without you.”

 

He wasn’t surprised by the hostility.  Rhodes was Tony’s oldest friend, someone who had seen and experienced everything about Tony and had stuck by him through all of the struggles.  He had spent months looking for Tony when he was captured and lost in the desert and hadn’t given up on him.  Rhodes had probably saved Tony’s life countless of time, he was protective, and Steve deserved his anger.

 

“I know.”  Steve said.  He held eye contact.  “It’s just… I worry about him.”

 

Rhodes scoffed.  “Of course you worry about him.  You damn near destroyed him.”  He said.  “Don’t think that just because you’re trying to make things right means you get a second chance.  Tony deserves better.  He deserves to be with someone who _doesn’t_ make him feel like he has to change himself and work hard to be worthy.”

 

“Jim, relax.”  Bucky said.  Steve didn’t know when Bucky had started calling Rhodes ‘Jim’.  “He knows he messed up, and he’s trying to be better.  Nothing’s going to get better by you giving him a hard time.”

 

“The pie is lovely.”  Thor said, smiling broadly as he turned to Sam.  “I commend your baking.”

 

Sam’s head shot up, a fork halfway to his mouth, and seemed to be surprised at the sudden change in topic.  “Yeah, thanks.”  He said, clearing his throat.  “It’s an old family recipe.  I changed it a little by adding in nutmeg.”

 

With that, any tension in the room disappeared.  They all just went back to eating and Steve tried to savor the fact that most of the team was in the same place.  It didn’t happen often enough anymore.  Maybe it would never be the same again.

 

 

~~~

 

 

“I don’t know, Stevie.  Maybe one of those bobble heads of famous scientists.”  Bucky said.  “Get him Neil Degrasse Tyson.  Tony loves that guy.”

 

Steve sighed.  He just didn’t know.  “Tony’s birthday is at the end of the month.  Am I even allowed to get him anything?  Is there going to be a party?  I’m not going to be allowed to go to that.”  He said slowly. 

 

Never before had he felt so on the outside with the team, even when they were apart, half the team in one place and the other half in another, Steve still felt like they were all connected.  Now, the whole team would be expected to be there to celebrate Tony’s birthday, and Steve had thrown away his right to.  It occurred to him that this would be the ultimate chance to finally understand everything Tony had been through, abandoned on a celebration.  Steve had left Tony on his own birthday to spend the fourth of July with Bucky, he had forgotten and unintentionally ignored Tony on their anniversary, and the countless of dates he had canceled or simply not gone to.  Steve didn’t deserve to be with the team when they all got together to celebrate the day Tony was born.

 

“I think it would be worse if you didn’t do something.”  Bucky said.  “Not getting him anything would be sending the message that you don’t care.  Don’t mess up his birthday, Stevie.”

 

Steve nodded.  He wouldn’t dream of ruining this for Tony.  “What are you getting him?”

 

Bucky didn’t answer.  In fact, he was pretending to have not heard him at all.  If Steve wasn’t so familiar with the way his lips pursed when he was trying to avoid something, he may not have noticed at all.  He was hiding something.

 

“Please tell me you didn’t get him something huge.”  Steve said, shaking his head with a laugh.  “It was a pony, wasn’t it?  You got him a pony.  Of course you did.  Did he take you out to the ranch where his horses are kept?”  Bucky’s face darkened and he shook his head.

 

“No.  I mean, yeah he took me to the ranch.  It’s nice, Tony told me about how his mother was big on horses.”  His voice was low, almost sad.  “I’m not getting him anything.”

 

Steve blinked.  “Why?”  He said.  “Is it about the money?  Don’t worry about it, Tony’s a good guy.  He’ll love whatever you get him regardless of how much it cost.  Last year we went to Coney Island for his birthday and I won him a stuffed giraffe.  He loved it.”

 

“Yeah.  I’m not worried about that.”  Bucky said.  He didn’t look up from the book he was reading, but Steve could see that his eyes weren’t looking over the page, they didn’t seem to be looking at anything.  “We just came to an understanding and decided we weren’t that great at being friends so we’re gonna stop hanging out.”

 

He didn’t sound happy, he sounded devastated but like he was trying very hard not to.  “Shit, Buck.”  Steve said.  He frowned, once again he was messing things up and his friends were the ones who suffered from it.  “You don’t have to stop being friends with Tony because of me.  Just because things between him and me aren’t that great, it doesn’t mean I’m going to make you pick a side.”

 

It wasn’t fair, not to any of them.  If Bucky and Tony couldn’t be friends anymore because they thought it would be awkward for Steve.  They were good friends, always helping each other and building one another up.  Tony was one of Bucky’s first friends, spoke to him in the same manner as he did everyone else and was always gentle and fast when fixing the arm, Bucky had appreciated that.  Vice versa, Bucky took care of Tony, even when Steve was too blind to see that anything was wrong, he remembered Bucky fixing extra plates of food and bringing them down to the workshop, he recalled Bucky whispering to Jarvis in the halls, and Steve was thankful they were friends.  He couldn’t ruin that.

 

Bucky paused for a few seconds, the wheels in his head turning as he thought over what Steve had said.  “What?”  He said.  Then he smiled, an amused grin taking over his face.  “You’re a dumbass.  Stop with the whole guilt thing, not everything is your fault.  It’s not about you, it’s about me and Tony.  We’re just not good at being friends so we’re going to be nothing at all.  Besides, he’s an asshole.”

 

“Are you still going to his birthday party?”  Steve said slowly.  If Steve wasn’t invited, it would be nice to have the company.  If Steve was invited, he wouldn’t miss it for the world, and he would prefer to have Bucky by his side.  Bucky shook his head.  “Now you’re being an idiot.  Don’t skip out on an Avengers party just because you aren’t friends with the birthday boy.”

 

 

~~~

 

 

Steve did end up getting an invitation to Tony’s party.  It was a large affair.  Everyone preferred it that way.  With a big party with hundreds of people, no one noticed that wasn’t there, nobody paid any attention to Natasha or Clint lurking about, and Tony just passed through one crowd to another with ease.  It was easy to disappear into the background at a large party.  Even Tony, who was the host and the guest of honor and celebrating his birthday, found that he had no trouble just standing by the bar and talking with Jane about the fantastic things going on with her career.

 

Somehow, while everyone was off on the dance floor or watching one of the acts from the entertainers that were hired, most of the Avengers ended up at the bar, laughing and enjoying themselves just like they used to.  Although there was alcohol at the party for the guests, Tony only had soda.

 

“So, exactly how old are you now?”  Natasha said with a smirk.  “Your file hasn’t changed your age in years, the dates of birth change though.  Anything in particular you’re trying to hide?”

 

“I’m not hiding anything.”  Tony said.  He laughed, Steve thought it was a beautiful sound.  “I’m just a happy thirty five year old man with nothing to keep secret.”

 

“Right, and you’ve only been thirty five for over seven years.”  Clint said.  He wasn’t drunk, but six shots of tequila into the night he certainly wasn’t sober either.  He hit a little harder than necessary when he playfully punched Tony’s shoulder.

 

Tony hid the wince well, just barely a flicker across his face.  Steve tensed when he saw it, preparing to calm Clint down if it escalated further.  He didn’t need to.  Clint understood without any guidance.  He wasn’t drunk, just a bit tipsy.

 

Steve noticed several things, Clint was whispering to Tony, probably apologizing, and Tony was just waving his hand as if to dismiss the whole thing.  Tony kept glancing down at the drink in Clint’s hand, but made no move to reach for it and continued to drink his soda.  Rhodey stayed by Tony’s side, drinking water, and laughed at some unheard joke from Natasha.  Bucky was on the other end of the bar, close to Steve and far from Tony, still he shifted when Tony showed the slightest bit of discomfort.  Tony hadn’t looked at or spoke to Steve the entire time.  The whole team was turned slightly so there fronts were still facing Tony, they hovered around him almost protectively.  Steve felt like out of place.

 

Bucky shifted as well, leaning subconsciously towards Tony whenever he spoke and smiling when he smiled.  He didn’t take a single step towards him or address him in any way, not even to wish him a happy birthday.  Steve didn’t like it.

 

By the time they got around to handing out presents the rest of the guests were watching the entertainers juggle knives and breathe fire, the media would be satisfied with exactly the kind of party they were expecting for Tony Stark, and the team slipped off to the penthouse.  No one noticed them leaving.

 

“Aww, you guys got me presents.”  Tony said with a smile.  “I knew you all like you.”

 

“You let us live here, rent free.”  Natasha said.  “I can sacrifice twenty dollars on a cake pan shaped like a t-rex to make the man paying the bills happy.”

 

She really did get him a cake pan and Tony’s face lit up when he saw it.  There was already talk of a ‘Jurassic Park’ themed get together with dinosaur cake and movies.  Steve didn’t ask if he was invited. 

 

Rhodey got some knick-knack that didn’t make any sense and the caption was written in Chinese, Rhodey and Tony both laughed when they read it, Natasha and Clint chuckled.  Steve didn’t know what it meant.  Natasha gave him an assortment of large, comfortable looking sweaters and Clint bought Tony a Hawkeye t-shirt.  Tony seemed happy, thanked all of them extensively.

 

Tony hesitated when he took the package from Steve’s hands, just for a few seconds.  He ripped the paper off, his body tensing as the present was slowly revealed.  It was just a t-shirt.  A shirt from some Icelandic band they had gone to see back when they first started dating, the concert had been where they had their first kiss.  Steve smiled at the memories, even though he had ruined everything, he would always be thankful for when things were good between them.  He hoped Tony thought fondly of the memories as well.

 

“Thanks, Cap.”  Tony said.  He was smiling now, Steve could feel his heart flutter at the sight.  “I love it.”

 

He put it on the pile of everything else, all of his other presents, and turned.  Tony walked out the door and headed for the rest of the party, the loud music could still be heard clearly a few rooms away.  The team stayed where they were, no one knowing if they should go after him or not.  He didn’t seem upset, but he had left quickly enough that it was worrying.

 

Rhodey and Bucky went, disappearing almost as fast as Tony had.  Steve felt like an idiot, a huge moron.  Of course Tony would have been uncomfortable thinking about stuff like that.  They weren’t together anymore, it was unlikely that they would get back together, and here Steve was trying to force their past down Tony’s throat.  Maybe Tony didn’t care about the memories they shared, didn’t think of all their happy times as good anymore, maybe he wanted to forget them all and move on.  It was a very real possibility and Steve felt that he should prepare for it.

 

“Go after him.”  Sam said, appearing next to him.  Steve looked up and frowned.  “You love him, you want to win him back.  He’s upset so you go after him and the two of you talk like grown men.”

 

Steve knew he probably should, but he didn’t move.  Tony didn’t want him anymore, he didn’t want Steve to bring up their relationship, he didn’t want to talk to Steve, he hardly even looked at him anymore.  Steve was even ruining Tony’s friendship with Bucky, what was he supposed to do.  He couldn’t fix this.  It was all to broken to be put back together again.

 

Sam sighed, shaking his head and nudging Steve in his shoulder until he started walking again.  Towards the door.  Tony, he could still be friends with him.  Steve had hope.  Not a lot, but hopefully just enough to save just a little bit of what they had.  Tony didn’t like his gift, Steve had gone too far.

 

They were in the hallway, not quite at the party but not with the rest of the team.  Tony was sitting on the floor, his face buried in Bucky’s neck as the man crouched in front of him.  Rhodey stood next to them, a calming and reassuring presence.  Steve felt like he was being frozen again.  Bucky’s lips pressed against the side of Tony’s face and he whispered something that Steve couldn’t hear.

 

Steve left them alone.  He didn’t say anything to anyone else for the rest of the night.  Tony wore his t-shirt the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More coming soon, sorry for the wait. You're all amazing and thank you so much for the fabulous comments.


	5. June Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I added another chapter and decided to split up June into two parts. So there are two more chapters after this one, instead of just one. I hope you guys like it, I'm going to start cleaning things up and getting ready.

Steve knew several things, after the party Bucky and Tony stopped talking to one another.  Whenever Natasha or Clint would ask, they both denied that anything was going on and then promptly leave the room.  It wasn’t convincing, what with the way the two of them were wandering around with thoughtful, sad expressions written across their faces.  Steve would ask, see if he could find the answers, but he wasn’t talking to either of them.

The mood of the tower had shifted.  The team divided into three groups, Bruce and Rhodey staying with Tony to make sure he was alright, Clint was with Bucky in the gym or the range most of the time and they would occasionally be joined by Natasha, and Steve had Sam all day to keep him company and Natasha would join them every so often.  They were separated, in the same building but they all might as well have been on opposite ends of the planet.

Steve think he understood, how Tony had felt when he inadvertently made him feel like he wasn’t as cared for, wasn’t as loved.  It seemed fair, almost, to be replaced by Bucky when that was exactly what he did to Tony.  It was devastating.  It was horrible.  Steve wanted no part in it anymore.

“You’re acting like a child.”  Natasha said calmly, her voice flat as she shoved another spoonful of cereal into her mouth.  “It’s been two weeks since the party and all any of you are doing are avoiding each other.  It’s just making things worse.”

Steve crossed his arms and leaned back.  “You just don’t get it!  How could he- how could _they_ do something like this?  I know Tony and I aren’t technically together, but that doesn’t make it right that he’s sleeping with my best friend.”

Sam sighed.  “They might not be though.  It could have been completely innocent.”

“You didn’t see them, how they acted around each other.”  Steve said slowly.  He dropped his head until his chin was resting against his chest.  He could still see it clearly, how they looked at one another, how tender they were when they touched, the way Bucky held him when Tony panicked.  It was bound to happen, Bucky and Tony were friends, they helped each other when things were rough, and now they were close.  So close that Steve wasn’t even important anymore.

“They’re not sleeping together.  I’m sure of that.”  Sam said.  “Buck doesn’t seem like the kind of guy and I heard Tony had sworn off relationships why he tries to go through AA.”

“You can’t be sure of anything.  Last year he was dead, now he’s living with us.”  Steve said.  It would make so much sense, Tony and Bucky always treated each other right, Steve just messed everything up.  They would be better off together, Steve wouldn’t like it, but it was true.  He would have to leave, he couldn’t look either of them in the eye, couldn’t work with them on the same team, but he wouldn’t wish them any ill will.  He just couldn’t be so close to them knowing they were happy because Steve ruined one of the few good things he had.

“Don’t do this to yourself man.”  Sam said.  He leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms, his eyes scanning Steve’s face carefully.  “You love both of them, and now you’re just planning on wallowing in your misery because you’re not going to fight for them.”

Steve sighed.  “They don’t want me.”

“Bullshit.”  Natasha said, her voice sharp.  “They both chose you.  Even if there was something going on between them, which we don’t even know for sure, then they decided to just call off their entire friendship because they care about you.”

Steve didn’t want to listen to any of them anymore.  He pushed away from the table, stood, and left.  Sam called after him, Natasha didn’t bother following.  Once in his room, he locked the door and waited.  Nothing was falling apart, the world was still in one piece, and Steve was alone in a room that was empty with nothing but a bed he never shared with Tony and bland decorations that were simply there to fill a space that Steve didn’t think he belonged in.

 

~~~

 

“Can we talk?”  Bucky asked.

Steve hadn’t heard him come in, which wasn’t that surprising.  Bucky had a habit of moving soundlessly.  What did shock Steve was that he had changed the protocols for his floor, baring Bucky’s access.  Yes here he was, standing in Steve’s living room with a confused and apologetic expression that Steve hated.

“I suppose.”  Steve said, his voice firm and his words forced.  “Since you’re already here.”

Bucky seemed to deflate, his shoulders hunching and all stiffness of his back melting away.  He seemed so much smaller than his large frame had any right to be.  Steve sighed, of course Bucky would do something like that, he had been perfecting the kicked puppy look since they were kids.  He didn’t feel as patient as he usually did when seeing it, Steve was too tired.

“You’re upset with me.”  Bucky said slowly.  He sat down in the seat across from Steve, the distance between them almost a physical presence.

Steve nodded.  “I am.”  It wasn’t a lie, he was upset.  He felt broken and betrayed and Steve wasn’t entirely sure how to handle the situation.

“This is about Tony.”  Bucky said.  Steve didn’t deny it, because once again there was no lies between them.  “If you’re… angry because I followed him to California then I understand.  But I didn’t pick him over you, I just needed to make sure he was okay.  This is my fault, this whole mess is because of me and Tony’s a nice fella so I had to make sure he didn’t get himself killed.  If something happened to him that would be on me and I couldn’t just stand by.  Tony took care of me, kept me safe in his fancy tower and with his smart lawyers.  You gotta take care of your allies, Steve.”

Bucky was rambling, his hands waving slightly in front of him for affect as he struggled with words.  He sounded desperate, like an idea was at the front of his mind but he couldn’t find a correct way of explaining it.  Steve decided to just go out and say it.

“Did you sleep with him?”  He said, surprised at the harshness of his voice.  He sounded cold, exhausted and uncaring.  Bucky’s eyes widened and he leaned back.

“What?  Is that what this is about?”  He said quickly.  “You think I slept with Tony?”

Steve’s fists curled tightly.  “Well, it’s hard not to think these things when you guys are making doe eyes at each other and cuddling and kissing each other’s faces.”  He snapped.

“What are you talking about?”  Bucky said.

“You slept with Tony.”  Steve said.  He felt his heart explode and the bottom fall out of his stomach when Bucky nodded.

“Well, yeah.”  He said casually.  Steve wanted to lean over and punch the calm expression off of his face.  “He can’t sleep on his own.”

Steve was shocked by the simplicity of the answer, because of course he knew that.  Ever since they first started sharing a bed, Tony had relied on the physical presence of Steve being there to know things were okay.  He always complained about Steve’s body heat, but he knew that it helped Tony feel secure and to know that no matter what he dreamed about he was still in bed with Steve.  But Steve had left him alone even with that knowledge and he wouldn’t have expected them all to just leave Tony to spend his nights by himself back in California.

“No, that’s not what I meant!”  Steve said, shaking his head.  “Are you and Tony having sex?”

Bucky blinked and Steve could practically see the words rattle around in his head as the meaning filtered through.  When it finally hit, Bucky’s eyes widened.  “You think we had sex?”

“Did you?”

“No.”  Bucky said.  A small smile played at the edge of his mouth.  “We didn’t.  Tony loves you, so damn much.  I don’t know if he’s going to take you back or not, he’s been working really hard on trying to build himself up after what happened, learning to rely on himself more and working on that self-confidence thing, but he still cares deeply about you.  Besides, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

Steve kept a close eye on Bucky’s face, reading his expressions and memorizing his every movement.  Natasha would be better at this, finding meaning in what he was doing.  But Steve had experience in understanding Bucky, in knowing that when he clenched and unclenched his fists it was because he was nervous, or that the way he was biting his lip meant that he was sad, or the small wiggle of his nose that meant he was trying not to cry.  Seventy years had changed a lot of things, but Steve could still read Bucky’s body language like an open book.

Bucky took a deep breath.  “I get that you’re angry, but besides some cuddling on his bad nights, I didn’t sleep with him.  Besides, Jim slept with him most of the time.  Tony adores the guy.”

A calm settled between them, Steve was more relaxed than he had been, but he also didn’t quite trust the feeling.  “Can I ask you something?”  Steve asked and just like that the tension returned to Bucky’s body.  “Why aren’t you and Tony talking to each other?”

Unfortunately, the reaction that drew from Bucky just made Steve worry more.  Bucky started tapping his feet, his eyes drifting away from Steve’s face to look at the plain walls and bland decorations.  “I don’t know.”  He said after a few moments.  “We just decided it would be best if we stopped hanging out.  We weren’t that great friends, we just weren’t going to cut it so we just gave up before things went too far and we did things we regret.”

“What does that mean?”  Steve said slowly.  “Are you guys fighting?”

Bucky nodded.  “Yeah, we had a disagreement.  And then we decided we should just go our separate ways.”  He said.  “It’s fine.  We’re both okay.”

“You two seemed pretty close the other day at the party.”  Steve said slowly.  He hated thinking about it, the way Bucky had held Tony when he was distressed, had kissed his temple tenderly, and how he was there to comfort Tony when Steve had no right to be.  They cared about one another, they wouldn’t just leave each other so suddenly.

“It was nothing.”  Bucky said.  “Want to go get a pizza?  New York has the best pizza.”

Steve understood a dismissal when he heard one.

 

~~~

 

It was summer, the sun was shining and the flowers in full bloom.  The park was perfect.  Or it would have been, if not for the reporter that had been following him for the past fifteen minutes.  He was a small man, thin and wiry.  Steve could throw him across the park if he wanted to, but that seemed a bit too harsh.  Still, he wished the man would go.

“Captain Rogers, the public wants to know.  Was it Tony’s playboy behavior or was it his alcohol problem?”  The reporter asked, his voice uncaring.  “Come on, Rogers.  Everyone’s just dying to know what he did.”

Steve didn’t say anything, Tony had told him a thousand times to never answer these people.  That submitting to their questions brought nothing but trouble.  It didn’t stop the reporter’s questions from tumbling around inside his head.  He wanted to shout, to tell the whole world that it was his fault.  Tony had done nothing, yet the public was ready to publicly flog him for some imagined slight.

“Captain Rogers, are there plans to remove Stark from the Avengers?”  The man asked.

Steve turned on his heel so that he was facing the reporter, the smaller man bumping into his chest in surprise and his eyes widening.  “No, there are no plans to remove Tony from the Avengers.”  Steve said harshly.  “You know why?  Because he’s a hero, he’s a damn hero who saved this city and everyone in it and still keeps trying to save you even why you start blaming him for everything that goes wrong.  Tony’s good, he didn’t do anything to mess this up, it was all me.  So stop going after his head.”

The man stayed in place when Steve went to walk away.  Perhaps he was too harsh.  Worry overcame him as he tried to imagine how that reporter would twist his words to make it seem like he hates Tony, or do something to make things so much worse.

The next morning, everything he had said was on the front page of some small New York newspaper that didn’t even get delivered to the tower that had the headline ‘ _Cap Still Loves Stark: Will Tony Take Him Back?’_   All things considered, it could have been a lot worse.

Clint’s teasing increased drastically, Natasha made faces at him.  Bucky, although still not granted access to Steve’s floor, walked right into the living room with a smile and read the whole article out loud.  He was relieved, apparently he had not made everything worse.  Even though it was all he seemed capable of doing.

 

~~~

 

Steve decided to text Tony.  A hope, maybe a prayer, that even though he still had over a month to go that Tony would still like to spend time with him.  To preserve some relationship, whether it is just as them as teammates, better to be friends.  If the world wanted Steve to be happy then perhaps Tony would take him back.

They met at a small 24-hour diner just a few blocks from the tower.  It had been a haven for the team after Tony paid to rebuild it, amongst countless other properties, after the attack.  The owners were kind, always accepted the team with open arms.  Steve and Tony always had a booth just for them when they went, always reserved in case they ever decided to come in and have pie or coffee.

Tony was waiting there when Steve arrived.

“You look great.”  Was the first thing out of his mouth, Steve paused.  Of course the first thing he could think of to say to Tony was that he looked good.  It was hard not to admire him.  Tony’s hair had grown out, just shaggy enough to brush against his eyelashes, his skin had a healthy glow that hadn’t been there for months, and he looked rested.

“Thanks.”  Tony said, a smile edging onto his face.  “You look good too.”

They sat down, ordered their usual, and made small talk.  No one wanted to bring up any of the obvious issues going on and Steve was content in just enjoying Tony’s company.  But it couldn’t last, he knew that much.  Soon reality would set in and whatever calm they had now would be ruined.  Steve just wanted to have Tony close and happy for the rest of his life.

“So, did you mean it?”  Tony asked slowly, sometime after his fourth cup of coffee.  “All that stuff about me being a hero and that you love me and would build monuments in my honor?”

Steve chuckled.  “I didn’t say that exactly, but if that’s what you want then I’ll do it.”

“I like the version on the internet better.  That you were going to show up at SI one morning on horseback and sing a ballad of my bravery and how your life wasn’t complete without me.”  Tony said, his smile widening.

This was good, they were joking and having a nice time.  Tony wasn’t hiding from him the way he did when this all started.  Maybe these past few months were just what he needed to figure things out for himself.

“I would do that too.  I’d do anything for you.”  Steve said.  Tony’s features stiffened at that, losing their carefree looseness.  “How have you been doing?  Alright?  Eating enough?”

It was a poor change in subject, but Tony accepted it easily.  “You’ve met Rhodey.  Mr. Protective over there has been policing my life.  It’s been nice though.”  He said casually, fondness in his tone.  “It’s easier to avoid alcohol when Rhodey’s glaring at you all the time.  He means well.”

“He’s a good man.”  Steve said.  He was so damn thankful for that man, if Rhodes wasn’t likely to punch him in the face, he would probably hug him.  That man had been with Tony through all of this and was probably one of the only things keeping him alive when it all went to hell.  “He’s not too fond of me at the moment.”

Tony shrugged.  “He’s not fond of a lot of people.  I think he hates me most of the time.”

“No.”  Steve said, shaking his head.  “No one can hate you.”

“That’s not true.”  Tony said.

Their conversation trailed off.  There was so much he felt like he needed to say though.  Apologize for what he did, for abandoning him and ignoring his needs.  Steve still couldn’t quite explain it, how he had conveniently forgot that Tony was there and needed his love and support just as much as Bucky did.  It had all just been so much, having him there.  He had died, Steve watched him fall, and then the world changed and fell apart and he was alone in the future and then he was back.

It was a poor excuse, of course Steve could explain it.  He just didn’t want to.  He couldn’t admit to himself that the thrill of having Bucky, the only person he had left from his old life, had pushed aside everyone else.  He couldn’t look Tony in the eye and tell him that for those few months, he was less important.

“You okay?”  Tony asked, raising an eyebrow.  “You look a bit like you’re freaking out.”

“What’s going on with you and Bucky?”  He asked quickly.  It was rude to bring it up now, but no one had been answering him.  “You guys were close, then you just stopped talking to each other.  What happened?”

Tony seemed surprised by the question, leaning back with wide eyes.  “Did he say something to you?”

“No!  No one has been saying anything, just that it’s not something I need to worry about.”  Steve said.  “One moment Bucky runs off to take care of you because he feels responsible for my mistakes, then you guys are all touchy-feely and comfortable with one another, and the next he says he doesn’t want to be your friend.  It doesn’t make sense.  What’s happening?  Are you sleeping with him?”

“Not usually.”  Tony said, his tone calm if slightly confused.  “If I need to cuddle it’s usually Rhodey, Bucky just likes to put my socks in the dryer before bed.”

“That’s not- why does no one understand what I mean?”  Steve shook his head.  “Did you and Bucky have sex?”

“Were we supposed to?”  Tony grinned, amused.  “If we were then I’m sorry to disappoint.  There was no sex.  Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on.  He’s just been getting pretty frustrated lately and then he just left.  Said we couldn’t hang out anymore.  It’s a bit upsetting, I liked the guy, but I can understand the affect I have on people.  I don’t blame him for needing to get away.”

Steve listened.  His question wasn’t answered, no one was in any position to tell him what was going on.  Tony leaned forward, not reaching out for him and keeping plenty of distance still between them, but his eyes were drilling into Steve, observant and concerned.  It wasn’t right, after what he had done Tony shouldn’t have to be concerned about him.

“You didn’t answer my question.”  Tony said slowly.  “Six months can mess you up, it certainly messed me up.  Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, drowned myself in the bottle.  I’m doing better, not great, but better.  Because I had my friends there.  But are you okay?”

“Fine.”  Steve said, snapped really as the words came out too harshly and he stood to leave.  He was ruining things again.  Everything was doing just great, he and Tony were talking, but now he was just leaving without a word.  He couldn’t breathe, not even when he rushed out the door and into the fresh air.  He had ruined things and he didn’t know how to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how during the first fic, everyone was calling for Steve's head and sympathizing with Tony but in this fic everyone feels bad for Steve and wants to take care of him. It really makes me feel accomplished and like I'm doing a good job in writing relatable, well-rounded characters. Thank you everyone!
> 
> Also, I'm considering writing a third fic from Bucky's POV once this is finished. Let me know what you think and I'll probably do it.


	6. June Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one. I hope you like it, I had a great time writing it. One more chapter to go.

“You don’t deserve him.”  Rhodes said.  Steve didn’t bother looking up.

“What are you doing in my apartment?”  He said slowly.

Rhodes walked further into the living room, only stopping when he was right in front of Steve.  “I’m here to talk to you before things go to shit again.  Tony’s been doing good, I don’t want you to ruin that.”

Steve looked up at him, seeing the raw concern and fear in his face.  He didn’t have the strength to feel offended.  Mostly because it was true.  He was probably just going to ruin everything.  There was nothing he could do to make things work out for everyone involved, he made the biggest mistake of his life and now everyone else was suffering because of it.  Steve couldn’t even take care of his team, of course he didn’t deserve Tony.

“I know.  Do you need anything else?”  Steve said.  The drawing in his sketchbook was still rough, just the general shape of a person without any of the finer details.  “Or did you just show up to tell me how much of a lost cause this all is.”

“You’re messing up.  I know you mean well but you’re making it harder on everyone.”  Rhodes said.  He didn’t sound angry, he sounded concerned.  Steve looked up at him, his body language wasn’t as aggressive as it was during their previous meetings, he was simply protective.  Like an older brother who’s trying to take care of the people he loved, not wanting Tony to get hurt again.  “You don’t seem to understand how devastating this whole thing had been for him, how much you tore him apart.  I need to make sure you know.”

“I do understand.”  Steve said, closing his sketchbook and tossed it onto the couch next to him.  “This whole thing was so I could understand and Tony could have time to think.  I spent damn near six months without him, what more do you want.”

“It was different.  Just because you spent the same amount of time away from Tony as what you did to him does not mean the circumstances are the same or that you learned a damn thing.”  Rhodes said.  He sat down on the chair across from Steve, he still didn’t sound angry and his body language seemed relaxed enough to want a normal conversation, not a fight.  “He spent months thinking that you didn’t want him anymore, that he wasn’t good enough.  It destroyed him.  You spent months guilty over your mistake with the constant hope that he’ll take you back.  That is in no way the same thing.”

It made sense, there was no way they could perfectly recreate the months Tony was alone.  They didn’t feel the same in their separate situations, but Steve liked to think he had an idea of how it was for Tony.  Steve hurt, the constant reminders of what he had lost was tearing away at his heart and all he knew was that Tony definitely deserved better.  He didn’t need Rhodes to tell him that, he knew.  Tony needed someone who would love and appreciate him as much as he should be, not someone who abandons him every night and ignores birthdays and anniversaries.

“Okay.  So I don’t understand, help me.”  Steve said.  “I’m trying.  I’m trying so damn hard and I can’t seem to get it right.  I miss holding him, the feel of his lips on mine.  I miss the way he smells, have you noticed it?  He always smelled like motor oil and some horrible expensive cologne.  It used to be the most calming scent in the world.  If I was having a tough time I could just roll over and bury my face in his hair and it would give me peace.  I haven’t smelt it in nearly a year.  I haven’t shared a bed with him in a year, wow.”

He had to stop, surprise and realization hitting him all at once.  A year next month, he and Tony hadn’t slept together, hadn’t really even been a couple, in a full year.  How could he expect things to just go back to the way they were?  They were different now, in a year a lot of things can change and he and Tony were different people than they used to be.  They weren’t together, they could have very well grown apart.

“What am I going to do, Rhodes?”  Steve said.  He let his head fall into his hands.  “I really messed this whole thing up, haven’t I?”

“You hurt him, a lot.”  Rhodes said, crossing his arms with a soft sigh.  “I’m not going to say he had no part in this, he should have absolutely spoken up before it got as far as it did.  But that doesn’t mean you’re void of fault.  You messed up, people just don’t forget about their boyfriends for half a year.  You need to make sure something like this ever happens again before you ever go near him.”

Steve paused, his thumbs rubbing into his temples.  “You’re right.  He should have left me long before he actually did.”  He said slowly.  “I wish he would have said something.”

“He has a lot of deal breakers, a list of things that if you did he would have ended things.  You didn’t do any of them.”  Rhodes said.  “Could have tried to steal his files or designs and he would have ended things.  If you would have hit him or cheated on him, he would have had you out on the street so fast you wouldn’t even know what had happened.  But you didn’t, you just ignored him, so he stayed.”

“I would never have hit him.”  Steve said, the idea sending cold shivers up his spine.

That did finally seem to make Rhodes angry, his glare pinning Steve down and his hands curling into fists.  Steve didn’t move.  “No, you didn’t.”  Rhodes said.  “You just ignored him until he wished you would.  Tony tells me everything, it’ll take a while and usually after it’s all over, but whatever secrets he has won’t stay secrets from me for long.  If you would have hit Tony before you abandoned him, he would have dumped you.  But instead you made him desperate for your attention, so desperate that he would have preferred you hitting him and he would have thanked you for it.  I have to make sure something like this doesn’t happen again.”

“That’s what he wanted?”  Steve said.  He couldn’t explain the feeling that knowledge brought out in him.  He had hurt Tony so bad that he would have preferred to be hit.  If he had been someone else, if Tony was so desperate for the least bit of attention from some other person who was lucky enough to be with him, then he hated to think of what would have happened.  “Oh God.  I can’t- If we get back together, if by some miracle he takes me back, what’s stopping us from starting off where we left it?  How do I know he just want fall right back into that?  I can’t hurt him, we can’t have a healthy relationship where he’s willing to put up with physical abuse because he’s afraid I’ll ignore him.”

Rhodes almost looked relieved to hear Steve’s words.  “I’m not going to let that happen again, understand?”  He said.  Steve nodded quickly.  “Good, because although you had a few months of waiting, it wasn’t the same.  Tony deserves better.”

 

~~~

 

Sam listened to him, every time Steve had something to say he was there ready to listen and help in any way he could.  Rhodes had made an excellent point, Steve and Tony just weren’t on the same page.  This waiting was supposed to fix things but it wasn’t.  Nothing was going to change, he couldn’t make this better.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”  Sam said.  Steve frowned.

“I don’t understand what that means.”  He said, shaking his head.  “We’re talking about how I’m not good for Tony, how I’m a terrible person who hurt him.  What does any of that have to do with eggs?”

“You’re not okay, Steve.  You probably haven’t been okay very long time and we’ve all just been ignoring that.  You’re making the conditions of your happiness too narrow and that’s a problem.”  Sam said.  He seemed conflicted, his eyebrows drawn together and his attention constantly scanning Steve’s face, as if he were worried of the reaction.  Steve didn’t say anything, he didn’t know what to say, what to think.  He didn’t quite understand.  Satisfied, Sam took his silence as a sign to continue.  “Remember when we first met?  You couldn’t think of something that made you happy, so you forced all your happiness on something else.  When Bucky came back, all you wanted was to have him safe and close to you and in that you neglected everything else.  Now the only thing that will make you happy is having Tony take you back.  It’s not healthy.  It’s not fair, not to any of you.”

The words rang in his ears loudly.  Was that what he was doing?  Making his happiness conditional on other people?  It sounded ridiculous and wrong and Steve wanted to think he wasn’t doing that to any of them.  He couldn’t put that kind of pressure on someone, especially not on the two most important people in his life when they were vulnerable and run down and if Steve had convinced them that he needed them then there was no doubt they would drop everything for him.  They were those kinds of self-sacrificing idiots that broke his heart.  No wonder they decided to ditch him and just become friends on their own, he was dragging them down and Bucky and Tony both deserved to be happy.

“Stop man, you’re doing it again.  Whatever you’re thinking is giving you that kicked puppy look and our goal here is to make you happy, not worsen your guilt.”  Sam said quickly, waving his hands rapidly in front of him to recapture Steve’s attention.  “I’m not going to psychoanalyze you, I’m not so unprofessional that I think that it’s okay to just be a therapist to my friends, but I know quite a few great people you could talk to.  I have connections, I know a lot of great psychologists who are good at what they do.”

“Thanks, Sam, but I don’t think those people can help me.”  Steve said, looking down at his hands.  They were shaking.  “How am I supposed to tell them that I was so emotionally abusive to my boyfriend that he would have rather I beat him?  That’s not normal, people don’t do that to other people and then just hover over them until they agree to take them back.  I caused Tony to have a panic attack on his own birthday, I just gave him a t-shirt the reminded him of one of our happiest memories.  Do you know how manipulative that is?  What’s wrong with me?”

Sam paused, his whole body went still as his eyes grew distant and for a moment Steve was certain he had said something wrong.  It was all the truth, Steve had thought nothing would hurt more than knowing he pushed Tony away but now he had the knowledge of just how severe it had been and just what kind of pressures he was putting on him.  Steve didn’t think he could let Tony take him back after this, it wouldn’t be fair to him.  After what he did, it was wrong of him to even hope they could just restart their relationship.

Sam leaned forward, grabbing a napkin off of the table and a pen from the nearby draw and quickly scribbled down a series of numbers.  “This lady is great.  Very professional, very thoughtful, and I think she can help.”

“Honestly, Sam, I think I’m in a pretty unique situation and no one on Earth is prepared to handle this.”  Steve said slowly.  “I’m a superhero from the 1940s who has spent 70 years frozen and now I’m just hurting the people around me.”

“You’re a soldier.  Whether you like it or not, being the leader of the Avengers doesn’t change much.  You’re still a soldier and you’re still fighting and you would be surprised with how many people have trouble adjusting once they come home.”  Sam said.  He sounded more relaxed than before, leaning back in his chair with a soft smile on his face.  “Some people spend years in the military, some go their whole lives, and then they come home and everything is different and they don’t know what to do or how to handle themselves, they end up hurting people and needing more help then they originally thought.  You hurt Tony, a lot, but that doesn’t make you a bad person.  What will make you a bad person is if you don’t try to change the behaviors and thought processes that led you to hurt him in the first place.  You’re just going to put everyone back in the same position and it’ll continue.”

Steve looked at the number, all the possibilities rushing through his mind.  The therapist could laugh in his face, call him a lost cause and turn him away.  She could listen to everything he has to say and then sell it to which ever paper pays the highest price for the dirty secrets of Captain America.  She could try to help him, but he could be too far gone to make any kind of recovery.  Or, by some miracle, she could actually help.  He took the number, folded it up, and shoved it into his pocket.

“Thank you, Sam.”  Steve said.  “You’ve been great.  Ever since I met you you’ve been helping me keep my head above water.”

Sam chuckled and shook his head.  “Don’t worry about it.  I care about you, just trying to help.”

“If you need anything, anything in the world, you can tell me and I’ll help you.”  Steve said.  He owed Sam the world.  “If you need me to steal the Declaration of Independence, you know I’d help you.  Just let me know, if you need time or support, I’m here for you.”

“Thanks, but I think I would rather have Nat’s help in stealing that.”  Sam said.  “I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

 

~~~

 

Steve was out on a run the afternoon after he missed his session.  It had been pointless, he had ditched it.  Decided not to go in favor of moping around his floor pretending like his problems weren’t as serious as they actually were.  The run was good for him, cleared his head and calmed his nerves.  And he realized how horrifying his behavior was, avoiding his problems until they became so terrible and so devastating that he destroyed everyone near him without even realizing.  It wasn’t good, not for anyone.  Not for the team, not for Tony, not for Bucky, and not for Sam.  Steve was just a bulldozer here to tear down what everyone else was trying to build, he wasn’t going to do that anymore.

It would be for the best if he stopped hoping, Steve was a monster and after forcing his attention to Bucky while abandoning Tony completely and then somehow becoming obsessed with his now ex-boyfriend was a huge problem.  Everyone had a point, they all made excellent arguments, and Steve would rather die then put Tony into that position again.  He wouldn’t be the guy who kept hurting the people he loved.

He didn’t realize he was back at the tower until he was running up the stairs to the floor Bucky was on and pounding on his door.  He was going to make things right, one way or another.

“Are you okay?”  Bucky said when he opened the door.  “What’s going on?”

“I’ve decided to take a temporary leave while I sort myself out.”  Steve said, surprised by the calm quality of his voice.  “I’m falling apart, I’m a mess.  I made a huge mistake and done absolutely nothing to make sure it never happened again.  Natasha is going to take over as team leader until I get back.”

Bucky blinked.  “What?”

“I made up my mind.  I’m not in a good place right now, Nat’s my second in command, and I just wanted to let you know before I get everything settled and take some time off.”  Steve said.  Bucky reached a hand out to him and he quickly backed away.  “Don’t, I just need to do this.  I’m screwing things up and I need to work on myself before I can expect anything from anybody else.  Okay?”

There was a slight pause, but Steve felt relieved when Bucky nodded.  “Okay.  You going to be alright?”  He asked slowly.  Steve shrugged.  “Take care of yourself.  If you ever need anything you know I have your back.”

“Can we talk?”  He said.  Bucky’s eyes widened slightly, nerves, and stepped aside to let him in.

Bucky didn’t have a floor in the tower, most of the Avengers did but he insisted that he was fine with his own little suite on the main floor.  It was more decorated than Steve had thought it was, filled with knickknacks and memorabilia from things he had no idea Bucky was interested in.  Netflix was paused on the tv and the blankets thrown across the couch had pictures and slogans on it that he didn’t recognize.  Hobbies of Bucky’s that Steve knew nothing about.

The presence of Tony was everywhere, from the Iron Man coffee mug on the counter in the kitchenette to the dvds lined up on the shelves.  So many things were of Tony’s taste and just signified how much time they had spent together, how close they had gotten when Steve was off making things worse.

“So, you and Tony?”  Steve finds himself asking, the hole in his chest aching slightly at the reminders.

“We didn’t have sex, I told you.  It’s the truth.”  Bucky said.

Steve nodded.  “I know.  But did you want to?”  It was the hesitation that did him in, a fraction of a second before Bucky shook his head and denied it.  By the look on his face, he knew he had been caught in the lie.  “Does he know?”

“No.  He’s not going to.”  Bucky said.  He turned away, stomping back to the couch like a grumpy child and threw his blankets over his head.  “I wouldn’t do that.  I’m your friend.”

Steve sat down, conscious of how much distance he was putting between the two of them.  It was falling apart, a little voice in his head kept telling him that they would be better together.  Tony would take care of Bucky and Bucky would make sure Tony got all the love and attention he deserved.  But a different part of him was furious, demanding that he start screaming because how could he.  How could Bucky, his oldest and dearest friend, just spend all his time with his ex-boyfriend and then fall in love with him?  It wasn’t right, wasn’t fair.

Steve didn’t start yelling.

“You don’t know me.”  Steve said.  Bucky had his memories burned away, he may have been recovering some things but there was no guarantee he would get it all back.

“No, I know you.”  Bucky said, shifting so that his blanket was secure around his shoulders and pulled over him but with his head peeking out.  “It’s just different.  I remember you and everything you used to do.  Like how you hummed when you tied your tie, or when you got this blank look on your face when you got into a fight you knew you were gonna lose.  But it’s like seeing all that on tv, I know it happened but it doesn’t entirely seem real.”

He almost felt like crying, it was more than he ever could have hoped for, but it didn’t make it any less painful.  Bucky remembered and maybe with more time he could either understand how they were in the past or they could build a better friendship in the future.  “It must have been weird for you, having me here and hovering over you and imposing my idea of what our friendship was.”

Bucky didn’t comment on that, instead he shook his head.  “This is my fault.  All of it.  If I hadn’t have come back you wouldn’t have left him.”  He held his hand up when Steve opened his mouth to cut in.  It was wrong.  Bucky should not have felt bad or guilty about anything, it was Steve’s fault for being so narrow minded, so blind to the needs of those he cared about, and too selfish to do anything but focus on himself. 

“I didn’t mean to.”  Bucky said when he continued.  “I just wanted to look out for him.  I killed his parents, you know.  Did you know?  Everyone does since all of the Shield and Hydra intel was blasted onto the internet.  I couldn’t just let him run off by himself when he was in the state he was in.  He would have gotten himself killed and I couldn’t let that happen.  Especially not after taking you away from him.”

“So you stayed with him in California because of me.  That makes sense.”  Steve said.  He knew Bucky wanted to take care of him.  “You always said you have to take care of your allies and they’ll take care of you.  Tony is a damn good ally to have.  When did you realize you were in love with him?”

His voice was hallow, empty and he was pleased that it didn’t shake.  A pit at the bottom of his stomach had formed, curling tightly until it hurt and he felt sick.  His hands trembled slightly.  But his voice was steady, calm, and completely relaxed regardless of the pain and loss he felt coursing through him.

“I just figured it out recently, but I think it started after he saw you for the first time at that gala.  And Rhodey had to drag him home drunk.”  Bucky said slowly, his eyes distant.  He did not seem to be aware of Steve’s struggles.  “He just got so cuddly, you know.  Cried for hours because he thought he wasn’t good enough to be loved.  I threw those fuzzy socks of his in the dryer and put on one of those stupid space documentaries he loves so much and made more coffee then he could ever drink because the smell calms him down.  He gave me the most beautiful, sincere smile I ever seen and I fell in love with him without realizing it.”

Steve could see it if he closed his eyes, the dorky, tear drenched smile of his he throws out whenever someone he adores does something nice for him.  It must have been a special sort of smile just for Bucky because Tony has a different smile for everyone, even the bots.  It would have been too easy to fall in love with that face, the hopeless vulnerability of him when he first got that low, and the trust he put in Bucky and Rhodes.

“I’m going to go.  I have to get prepped.  I need to fix this.”  Steve said, he stared at some point on the table.  He wasn’t sure what or why, but it had his attention.  “I’m not sure what’s going on in my head, but I need to fix it so this won’t happen again.  Just promise me something, please.  Can you and Tony…”

He trailed off, not entirely sure what he wanted to say.  Bucky shook his head.  “Don’t worry, I won’t go after him.”  He said.

Relief, and more pain.  More guilt.  Two halves of himself fighting over the feeling of joy in knowing Bucky and Tony weren’t going to run away together and get married coupled with the regret of the knowledge that they would be better for each other.  He stood up and walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as the story progressed I've had quite a few different intentions for how it would end. I had a plan originally and then as it kept going I realized that some things were better for the characters than other plot directions so now I have one in mind where they all end up happy in the end.


	7. July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I've had finals and this ended up being over 6k so hopefully that will make up for it. I like how it turned out. Steve is such a human character who has made mistakes, felt strongly about what happened, and now has to choose whether or not to fix it or ignore it. I hope you like the ending.  
> Also, sorry I'm terrible at replying to comments.

 

 

There were always questions.  Getting away for a little while was doing him good, Steve could feel himself relax without the constant presence of the team or the opinions of his friends.  Mostly without the constant reminders of his mistakes.  Now Steve kept questioning himself, if he was so blind to Tony’s presence who knows what else he might have neglected.  If he would have kept his focus on Bucky for so long that he missed the whole world ending.

Sam had a birthday back when they were all living together, Steve was still grieving over Tony to notice.  He could start by fixing that.

“I feel like a king right now.”  Sam said, his mouth half full of steak as the waiter refilled his glass.  “What’s the occasion?  Finally realized how hopelessly in love with me you are?”

It had been nice, returning to DC after spending that little while with the team.  It wouldn’t be for long, just for Steve to spend this last month to clear his head and start getting ready for Tony’s decision.  It wasn’t a sure thing, in fact he was almost certain Tony would turn him away once this was over.

“It’s time I stop this.  I’m going to fix things.  Make it right.”  Steve said.  “I thought I would start by taking you out and thank you for sticking by me.”

“So you got me steak, like a good best friend.”  Sam said as he cut off another piece to shove into his mouth.  He smiled as he looked around again, taking it all in.  It wasn’t the fanciest steakhouse in the city, but it was Sam’s favorite.  That was the most important thing.  “So, what’s next on your path to making things right?”

Steve shrugged.  He had a plan, probably not enough time to get everything right so he could celebrate having Tony back or handle his rejection.  This was the last month.  He had wasted five on self-pity and now he was done.  Even if Tony moved on Steve had to make sure he didn’t hurt someone accidentally like that ever again.

“I’ll definitely visit Peggy while I’m here.  She’s smarter than everyone I know put together.”  Steve said.  He looked down at his own meal, ribs and potatoes displayed averagely but tasted amazing.  He mixed it around with his fork.

Sam chuckled.  “Don’t let Tony and Bruce hear you say that.”

“Are you kidding?  I’ll say it right to their faces.”  Steve said.

The night was easy, peaceful.  There was no pressure to try and pretend like they didn’t make mistakes, no excessive need to apologize for everything.  Steve paid for Sam’s meal and Sam appreciated Steve’s company.  It was nice.

Two men were thrown out for trying to start a bar fight, woman sang karaoke in the back, and the later it got the calmer they both became.  Eventually, it was time to go home.  Sam went back to his house and Steve to his old apartment.  He hadn’t been there in a long time, having been living in either the tower or with Sam for over a year.  Most of his stuff was gone, the rest covered in white tarps to protect it from dust.  He had been saving the apartment as a safe house in case he needed to run away for a little while, not the smartest plan since it had been his actual home for a little while, but the familiarity was still comforting.

The living room had been repainted after the bullet holes in the wall was repaired.  Steve hated the color.  The fridge was empty and so were the cabinets.  A few clothes were still in the closet, old jackets and shirts he never wore anymore.  A pair of Tony’s shoes nestled in with his own on the floor.  He ignored them and instead climbed into bed to go to sleep.  He had a lot of work ahead of him.

 

~~~

 

“So what did you guys talk about?”  Bucky asked, his voice echoing through the phone.

Steve sighed.  “It’s confidential.  Come on, I never make you talk about your therapy appointments.”  Steve said, his tone just the right side of laid back.  He was tired.  The doctor wasn’t intimidating really, it was just that as Steve tried to find the words to describe what he had done and how it made him feel he got lost.  He couldn’t find a way to say it, how to talk his way through it.  “How are you doing in New York?”

“Normal, I guess.  Kinda nice.  I haven’t felt this normal in a while.”  Bucky said.  “I’m taking a pottery class.  Natasha got me special gloves so the clay doesn’t get in the joints of my arm.  I like it.”

Bucky continued on about the pots he made, how he put them in the kiln and painted them himself.  He said most of them weren’t that great, the indents of his fingers were too visible and some parts of it were cracked and broken.  He sounded excited though, happy in a way he never did in all the months Steve gave him all of his time and attention.

“I’m proud of you Buck.”  Steve said.  “You’ve come a long way.  And I want to say I’m sorry.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line.  “Stevie, you didn’t do anything wrong to me.”  Bucky said after a few short seconds, sounding confused and cautious.  Perhaps he thought it was a trick, that how they stood on the world would fall apart if he said the wrong thing. 

Maybe it would.  Steve wasn’t sure.  A year ago he would have said he never would have completely abandoned the love of his life for anyone.  Five years ago he would have said that aliens didn’t exist.  Times change, the world changes with it, and now things he never dreamed of happening are common occurrences.  Maybe if someone just said the wrong words the whole planet would break to pieces.

“I’m trying to make apologies.  I wasn’t good for you, I just shoved all my attention and expectations on you when you didn’t even know who you were.  I’m sorry about that.”  Steve said slowly.

Silence, Bucky didn’t answer him right away.  Steve counted the seconds.  “You’re an idiot.”  Bucky said, laughing softly.  “You were good with me.  I was okay.  And really, I was a bit needy too.  It was just… I didn’t remember you.  I kinda did, but not really.  It’s like trying to remember an old film you watched when you were a little kid and couldn’t remember as an adult if it was real or not.  You were vaguely familiar and gentle and friendly and I clung to that like nothing else.  Maybe you would have gone to bed with your lover if I hadn’t demanded everything from you.”

“Buck, no.  It wasn’t your fault.”  Steve said.  He could hear it, the grief in Bucky’s voice.  “This one’s on me.”

“No.  It’s not your fault either.”  Bucky snapped.  Steve didn’t know what to say.  Bucky sounded angry, but mostly desperate as he tried to get the words out of his mouth.  “You know what, it’s just as much Tony’s fault as it is ours.  Can’t just expect people to read his mind and know something is wrong.  He couldn’t have just expected us to all realize he was falling apart when he literally did nothing to make it known.  Idiot should have said something, maybe he was just too busy dancing in his pool of self-pity that he decided to not fucking mention that he was upset!”

“Bucky!  Stop.”  Steve said, almost yelling.  There was silence on the other end of the line.  Steve was shaking, the words tumbling around in his mind.  “You don’t mean that.”

Bucky hummed.  He didn’t sound smug or satisfied, he sounded tired and defeated.  “I didn’t…”

He drifted off into silence and for a while it was just their mingled breathing over the phone call.  Bucky’s was labored, Steve was shaky.  He didn’t know what it meant, where this was going.  He thought Bucky loved Tony, now he was trying to pin the blame on him.

“I just wanted to protect him.  I wanted him to be happy.”  Bucky whispered.  “After I took you away from him and left him alone, I just wanted to make up for it.  But he kept trying to tear himself down and you didn’t hear him.  When he had snuck himself alcohol and I found him drunk on the floor of his workshop.  He was just… I don’t know.  Not good.  He had no interest in getting his life together, had no care for his health or safety.  I’m trying to keep this idiot alive and he’s fighting me the whole time.  Frustrating.”

Steve laughed, the tension was still there and he didn’t quite know where the conversation was going or what brought on Bucky’s outburst, but he did understand what he was saying then.  “He is frustrating, yeah.  Too stubborn and too reckless.  It’s endearing.”

Bucky made a muffled noise of agreement and sighed.  “I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything.  I’m not mad.”  Steve said.  He laid back on his bed, folding the flat pillow to give his head more support.  “How is he?”

“I don’t know.”  Bucky said.

“What do you mean?”  He asked.

“I haven’t seen him.  He’s been down in his lab doing his science stuff with Rhodey and Pepper’s here in New York so he had plenty of company.”  Bucky said.  Now he sounded annoyed.  Steve remembered a time when they were kids and someone had taken Bucky’s dime novels and he whined about it until Steve tried to go get them back for him.  It ended with a fight, one he didn’t win.  “Besides, I’ve been keeping busy.  Pep’s taking me to an animal shelter later.  It’ll be great.”

It was a weird thing to think about.  Bucky had gotten to know Tony’s friends so well that he called Rhodes ‘Jim’ and Pepper ‘Pep’.  He wondered, briefly, if he had a special nickname for Tony.  He probably did, one he saved just for him when they were alone and doing something normal and domestic.

“You should talk to him.”  Steve found himself saying.  His voice was flat and he ignored the pang of jealousy and fear that shot through him, but he couldn’t take back his words now.  “You guys have gotten close over the past few months.”

“I just wanted him to be alright.  I’m not going to fuck him.”  Bucky said quickly.

“I don’t want you too either.  But I don’t want you and Tony to feel like you have to break apart whatever friendship you made just because I made a mistake.”  He said.  “Please, just talk to him.  Don’t be angry with him.”

Bucky’s breathing was heavy.  Minutes went by, it was easy to just listen as he waited.  Bucky was thinking, contemplating his options.  Steve didn’t know what was going on in his head or how he felt about the whole thing, but he hoped that in the end they all would be alright.  Tony didn’t deserve Bucky’s anger and if his outburst was just a response to loving him in this situation then he hoped something changed before they all ruined their relationships with one another.

“I’m not mad at him.  I don’t know why I said that.”  Bucky muttered.  “I’m sorry, Stevie.  I won’t.”

Steve wanted to protest but Bucky hung up before he could.  He sighed, closing his eyes and resting his head against his pillow as he thought about the mess he had made.

 

~~~

 

“And what would you have done if Tony said your actions were upsetting him?”  The doctor asked.  Steve looked at her, his eyebrows coming together in confusion and contemplation.  “Would you go and comfort him or would you ignore him and continue to look after your friend.”

“I wouldn’t-“  Steve sighed, rubbing a hand over his face.  “I didn’t know so I can’t just know what I would have done.  The situation never arose and I honestly never expected to be a neglectful partner so maybe I would have surprised myself and hurt him again.”

Steve looked at Dr. Winters and frowned.  He didn’t have a suitable enough answer but she seemed unsurprised by his answer.  “Alright.  If it happened now, with you having full knowledge of the past events, what would you do?”

That he did have an answer to.  He would hold Tony, apologize and beg forgiveness over and over until Tony realized how loved and cherished he was.  He would try to get him to cast aside any idea that he was worthless, try to mend the broken pieces of his self-esteem that formed with Steve choosing someone else to give his time too.  If Tony came to him today and told him he was in pain, Steve would do everything in the world to help him.

Steve couldn’t find a way to put the feelings into accurate words.  “It was my birthday this week.  Last year, I spent my birthday with Bucky.  Hardly saw Tony at all.  I was helping Bucky stay calm as fireworks went off and cancelled plans I had with him.”  He said slowly.  “This year I spent it with Sam.  Bucky came to visit and Natasha brought cake.  It was just the four of us.  We watched Sharknado and joked about it.  Tony called me, wished me a happy birthday.  He said he was proud of me and hoped I was doing alright.”

“That’s great news.  How do you feel about that?”  She asked.  Steve shrugged.

“Happy.  I think he’s forgiven me.  I may not deserve it, but he’s always been so forgiving.  You should have heard what I said to him when we first met, he forgave me almost instantly and never mentioned it again.”  Steve said slowly.  “He might not trust me though.  Forgiveness and trust are two entirely different things.  So, to answer your question, if by some miracle he trusts me enough to be close to his heart again then I will go back to him.  I will spend every birthday and holiday with him.  I will celebrate the common things he does and tell him everyday that I love him.  Then, if he ever comes to me and tells me that something I’m doing is hurting him I will stop.  I would never knowingly hurt him.”

Dr. Winters smiled.  “And can you trust him to tell you when you’re hurting him?”

It was a difficult question to think about.  Tony would still need help picking himself up.  Steve may have tragically and accidentally chosen Bucky over him but Tony also chose Steve over himself.  Tony needed help, if he ever made a mistake in the future he needed to know that Tony wouldn’t fall into that same hole and let himself wither away into nothing.  Steve would do anything for Tony, he just needed to know what it was.  If Tony wanted him to run around the world to prove his love, he would, but he couldn’t stand by and let Tony decide that he would let himself be in pain because he can’t tell Steve something is bothering him.

“No, I can’t.”

 

~~~

 

Everyone did a great job at protecting everyone while Steve was away, especially Tony since he had been cleared for duty.  Steve would sometimes watch on the news, most of the battles seemed to be over before they began, the villains nothing more than ill prepared amateurs.  This time was different though, this was Hydra.  It was personal and they were deadly.

Steve suited up and met them for the battle.  It wasn’t as awkward as he thought it would be.  They were all distracted by pre-battle adrenalin to pay too much attention to the fact that Tony and Steve sat next to one another without one of them doing something ridiculous.

He was distracted though.  Between dodging gunfire and storming the base, he spent much of his time studying the skies, smiling when he saw Sam fly by.  Every time he saw a flash of red and gold he felt his heart pick up.  They could do this.  After a whole year they could still both be Avengers.  He lost sight of him once he got inside.

Natasha and Clint followed him through the halls as they all fought off agents.  There weren’t many, not much of a fight, but they still kept trying.  Steve froze when they found it in the room at the end of the hall, a trail of bleeding Hydra agents left behind them.  The chair didn’t seem as intimidating as it should.  He knew what it was, what it could do, but it appeared harmless except for the large panels attached to it that clearly could swing around and attach to someone’s head.

He wanted to break it, to smash it to pieces and never let it hurt anyone else ever again.  He looked at that chair, which tried to be so small and unassuming, and saw the way Bucky looked at him with confusion, a blank stare where recognition should be.  He saw that chair and thought of Bucky, alone and in pain after 70 years of torture.  Steve sent his shield through one of the weaker, moveable parts.  It shattered on contact.  He struck it again, broken metal revealing tangles of wiring.  He yanked at it.  He never wanted this chair to hurt another person again.

The thing about breaking apart a lot of metal with a shield was that sometimes, no matter how well you held it, in the heat of the moment it gets messy.  Steve was emotional, desperate and blind to the battle as he beat the thing.  His hands got in the way, he noticed more that his gloves were tearing than that he was slicing open his hands.

Someone grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.  Steve shrugged them off.  He had to break it.  That damn chair ruined his life.  It destroyed everything.  Bucky had been so lost, so confused and afraid because of this.  He had to wipe its existence off of the Earth.

“Steve.  That’s enough.”  The hands were back, trying to pull him away.  “It’s over.  The battle is done.”

His face was pressed into cold metal, he wanted to push it away and get back to work.  It wasn’t over, the thing was still salvageable.  Hands were running up and down his back, whoever was holding him was rocking back and forth slightly.  Steve was shaking.

“It’s okay.  I got you.  The mission is over.  You did great.”  Tony whispered.  Steve splayed out his hands over the armor’s chestplate and let himself be held.  His face tucked into the space of Tony’s neck, the armor blocking him from soaking in the heat and familiarity of Tony’s skin.  “I know, you’re upset.  That’s alright.  But look at you, sweetheart, you’re bleeding.  Let’s let someone else beat the crap out of the chair and get you patched up.”

Steve was exhausted.  It wasn’t a hard battle, he hadn’t even broken a sweat, but now he was leaning on Tony as if he would break apart without that bit of support.  They left the building and went for the quinjet.  Steve was sat down in one of the seats, his body melting into the firm cushioning easily.  Tony started strapping him in, not once looking Steve in the face.

“I don’t think I’m okay.”  Steve whispered.

Tony shrugged.  “None of us are really okay.”

“I’m so sorry for what I did to you.  I ruined everything.”  Steve voice was hoarse.  He didn’t expect this to happen, he didn’t know why that had to be here on this mission.  “How did you get inside?  How did you get to me?”

“You were freaking out on the comms, I decided to come check on you.  And relax, nothing is ruined.”  Tony said.  He lacked the emotion to be convincing, his words came out flat and tired.  “Stop apologizing to me.  It’s not that big of a deal.”

“But it is.  I hurt you!  I told myself I would never do that and I did without even realizing it.”  Steve said, he squeezed his eyes shut as tears threatened to fall.  “If I’m capable of that I don’t know what I can do to ever deserve you.  I don’t know if I can convince you to love me again.”

Tony sighed.  “Shut up, Rogers.”

The cuts on his hands had scabbed over and were already healing by the time the rest of the team got back to the jet.  Steve was strapped in, Tony sitting next to him.  He was emotional, he felt like he had been broken open and his insides scraped away.  He was thankful that Tony stayed with him, surprised even that Tony was generous and caring enough to sit next to Steve as he cried about a chair that destroyed people.  It still didn’t feel broken enough.

The team sat down and got strapped in, Sam sitting down on Steve’s other side, and Tony said he would fly himself home.  Steve frowned as he watched Tony get off the quinjet.

 

~~~

 

“What do you think made you turn your back on Tony?”  Dr. Winters asked.  She sounded so calm all the time, so professional.  Steve wondered how she did it.

“I didn’t turn my back on him.”  Steve said slowly.  “I just… tried to pause things without realizing you couldn’t do that in real life.  I wanted to focus on something else and pretend that things would just start off where we left them when we were done.”

“And why did you think Tony was willing to wait for you?”  She said slowly, tapping her fingers lightly on the arm of her chair.  “Six months is a long time to wait for someone.  Did he know it would take that much time?”

Steve shook his head.  “I didn’t even know.  I hadn’t even realized how much time had gone by until Tony couldn’t do it anymore.”  He said.  “I didn’t see him suffering.  I was so focused on Bucky.  He was dead, you know.  But then he was back and he was hurt and scared and confused.  They tortured him, for so long and I did nothing.  I couldn’t just let him get through that alone.  I was so determined to be there after I got him back that I was willing to abandon everyone else, no matter how important to me they were.”

“So you felt guilty for not protecting your friend.”  Dr. Winters asked.  Steve shrugged.  “So do you think that made you feel overprotective of him now that you had him back?”

That could be it.  Not that it mattered.  Steve couldn’t understand now, but at the moment taking care of Bucky had become the most important thing.  Tony had fallen into the background and that was where the issue lied.  Steve needed to learn that he can care about more than one person at a time.  He didn’t have to shove all of his attention at one thing.

 

~~~

 

“It’s not the end of the world, my darling.”  Peggy said.  She was smiling as she held Steve’s hand tightly.

“Maybe not, but it feels like it.  I just love him so much, Pegs.”  Steve said.  At first it was awkward, telling his former lover about his new one, but that quickly faded.  “I don’t know what to do.”

Peggy’s smile widened.  “Have I ever told you about Angie?”  She asked.  Steve shook his head.  She had, many times before, but when she described it again Steve loved the look of joy and care in her expression.  “She worked at this diner.  It’s was decent enough food but there were plenty of better places in the area.  I just went for the company.  She was a feisty little spitfire, you would have adored her.  Anyway, we moved in together after Howard made a mess of things.”

“So, the usual.”  Steve teased, Peggy laughed.  It was nice.

“Well, you know how he is.”  She said slowly.  Peggy looked away, her attention captured by movement out the window.  Steve didn’t know what she saw or what she was thinking, but she was focused on it.  He waited, his hand still curled in hers.  Then she turned back, her smile gone.  “I missed her play.  She landed a role and she was so proud of it.  I promised to be there, but I wasn’t.  I had work.”

Steve pulled Peggy’s hand up to his mouth and lightly kissed it.  A tear fell, Steve reached out and wiped it away.  He hated it when Peggy cried.

“She’s going to be so upset.  I don’t know what to do.”  Peggy said, her voice shaky.  “How can I make this up to her?  She was so excited for her play.”

“Peggy, sweetheart, I’m sure Angie will understand.”  Steve said.  Peggy shook her head and pulled her hand away.  “Go to the next one.  Have her perform all her acts just for you.  I don’t know, show her how much you appreciate her passions.”

Peggy was crying, not the sobs that Steve had found himself doing when he tried to think of ways to make this up to Tony, but the tears fell down her face in quiet grace.  She looked devastated, but holding it together.  “She likes flowers.  I’ll go to her next show, I just missed opening night, and I’ll get her the biggest bouquet of flowers available.  She’ll love it.  She’ll forgive me.”

“I’m sure she will.”  Steve said.  Peggy smiled at him.

“Of course she will, she loves me.  But when her next play comes around I want her to trust that I’ll be there.  How can I do that if I’m always too busy.”  Peggy said.  “I’ll just have to try harder.  Trust is a fickle thing, and it’s always so hard to trust someone in my line of work.  Maybe telling her I was a spy wasn’t my brightest idea, but it is done.  I’ll go to every show.  Howard can start as many international disputes as he likes, I can’t keep cleaning up after him.”

“Well, someone has to teach him responsibility.”  Steve said.  It was easy, falling into conversations like this.  Peggy was living a life with people who were no longer there and Steve would participate in it.  He would never meet Angie, but he had gotten to know her as Peggy talked about what they had for dinner or where they were going for vacation.  He didn’t see Howard turn into an old man or Tony grow up, but he would listen as Peggy talked about how Tony did in the science fair and how Howard was getting more and more grey hair every day.

Peggy scoffed.  “Yes, but why does it have to be me?”

“You’re the most responsible out of all of us.”  Steve said.

Peggy rolled her eyes.  “If that’s what you want to believe.”  She said slowly.  She reached out and took Steve’s hand.  “Now, look at me.  I’ve made it all about my problems.  We have to help you now.”

Steve shook his head.  “It’s fine, Peggy.  I’ll figure something out.”  He said.  “Tell me more about Angie.”

 

~~~

 

Hydra was making a grab at Bucky.  The team went out to dinner after another low threat battle that Steve wasn’t necessary for when they attacked.  Steve didn’t even know it was happening until it was done.  He had been in therapy, another long discussion on trying to get him to talk about why he chose to completely ignore Tony.  They had pinned down several reasons, growing frustration with the man who worked too late and took too many risks, overwhelming relief of having his oldest friend back in his life, and a final desperate attempt to cling to a familiar past.  There was more to it though, there will always be more.  Behaviors can’t be explained by just a few small feelings and thoughts.

The team made it out okay.  They were ambushed and had taken a beating, but they were all safe and alive.  Steve came back to New York as soon as he heard.

“We’re fine, but thank you for the concern.”  Natasha said.  She smiled at him, his shoulders dropping from their defensive position.  “You look good.”

“I do?”  Steve asked.  He was going to say the same thing to Natasha, but it would be a lie.  Her hair was singed in some places, her lip was busted and the beginnings of a black eye.  Ash and dirt smudged her skin and she looked exhausted.  Steve made no comment on her appearance.

Natasha nodded.  “Yeah.  Looking really good.”  She said, giving him a thumbs up.

There was no one else in the kitchen on the communal floor.  Tony’s favorite mug was sitting on the counter, Bruce’s special bland of coffee was next to the machine, Clint’s socks were on the floor, and one of Wanda’s books were on the table.  The team had been there and it was comforting to know, but they were gone for now.

“How are you feeling?”  She asked.

“Better.”  Steve said, sitting down next to her.  “Sleeping easier.  I still feel bad about what happened, but I’m going to fix it.”

Natasha smiled.  “That’s good to hear.  It’s been a tough year on all of us.  It’ll be good to have you back.”  She said, she squeezed Steve shoulder.

“I haven’t been gone for very long.”  He said.

“Nah, you’ve been gone for a while.  Walking around like a ghost of yourself ever since this whole thing started.”  She said, her tone dipping lower.  She squeezed his shoulder tighter.  “I was sick of the whole sad and confused thing you had going on.  You’re doing good now, I’m proud.  Plus you have a nice haircut, it was growing out to be an awkward length.”

Steve smiled and shook his head.  “Thanks.”  He pushed away from the table and stood up.  “Everyone doing alright?”

“We’re all alive.  Missed you out there.  Are you coming off of your vacation, rejoining the team?”  Natasha asked.

Steve shrugged.  “I’ll have to see how things are first.”  He said.  “Who got hurt?  Where is everyone now?”

“Clint took a hit, but I think his ego is more damaged than anything else.  He’ll tell you that story later.  Wanda is exhausted, off taking a long nap.  Bucky’s arm was damaged, Tony took a nasty hit but I think he’s okay.  Those two are down in the workshop now, fixing up Bucky’s arm and looking over the suit.  You should go see them.”

He hesitated, perhaps they didn’t want to see him right now.  Maybe they have decided they would be best without him.  He nodded and left the kitchen, worry and doubt seeping further into his mind as he walked down the hall and towards the elevator.  He could do this, these two were his friends.  Even if they decided to live their lives without him they wouldn’t be cruel.  His hands were shaking they whole way down to the floor Tony’s workshop was on.

When the doors opened he frowned.  They weren’t looking at each other, weren’t even talking.  Bucky was tense and closed off, his gaze was focused on a particular point in the floor.  Tony was bent over the open paneling of Bucky’s arm and working quickly.  They both looked tense, uncomfortable.  He walked up to the glass and tapped on it to get their attention.

Almost immediately, Bucky relaxed and Tony gave a small smile.  He walked in and sat down on a stool nearby.  “Hey guys, how are you doing?”  He asked.

“Assholes broke my arm and Tony cracked a few ribs.  Other than that we’re good.”  Bucky said.  He didn’t look at Tony as he spoke.  “How are you?  You doing alright?  Glad you’re back.”

“Yeah.  Glad to be back.”  Steve said slowly.  Bucky was grinning, Tony was focusing down on the opening of the arm in front of him.  “What’s going on with you two?”

Bucky’s features froze.  “Nothing.”

“Yeah, hard for anything to happen when he literally won’t fucking talk to me.”  Tony sneered.

This was his fault.  He convinced Bucky to ignore Tony, to not talk to him because of his own jealously and Bucky’s misguided sense of loyalty.  That probably solved nothing, just getting another person Tony thinks turned his back on him.

“Buck, can I talk to Tony for a minute?”  Steve asked.  Bucky looked up, his eyebrows drawing together as he thought.  Then he nodded and stood quickly, pulling his arm away from Tony and sliding the paneling closed.

“Yeah.  Sure thing.  Damage isn’t too bad, it’ll be okay for a while.”  He said as he slowly made his way towards the door.  “Call me if you need anything.”

Tony turned away when Bucky left and started putting away his tools.  “Shouldn’t you be checking on him?”  He asked.

“I think I want to check on you first.  Bucky’s always been careful about injuries, you not so much.”  Steve said softly.  “I’m kinda invested in keeping you alive and healthy. How's your ribs?”

"Fine." Tony hummed.  “Why?”

“Because I love you.”  Steve said.  It had to be said.  It had been a whole year since he had shared a bed with Tony, since they had cuddled and spent hours wrapped around each other.  A whole year, how could he let that happen?  It had been over six months since they last kissed, since they had gone out together.  Far too much time had gone by since Steve had gone to see Tony in his workshop and listened as Tony spoke passionately about what projects he was working on.

Even if Steve had to rebuild their entire relationship, start over from scratch and woo him all over again, he would do it.  He wanted what they had again, but stronger and more secure so that something like this would never happen again.  He wanted Tony to love himself enough to let his mistakes destroy him, he wanted Tony to trust him enough to not think he would break his heart again.  Steve wanted things to not be as they were, but better.

“Steve.”  Tony said slowly.

“I’m willing to wait as long as I have to for you to decide what you want.”  Steve found himself saying.  “I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I want to worship you every day, support you as you continue trying to build yourself up, work on myself to be a better man.  I want to show you how important you are to me.  I’m willing to wait if you need more time, if you tell me to go then I will.  I just want you to be happy.”

Steve reached out slowly, if Tony wanted to move away he could, and took his hand.  This was the first time in so long that he had just held Tony’s hand.  It was a simple thing, but it felt like the world to him.

“It’s not that simple.”  Tony said slowly.

“I know.  And I’ve messed up, we’ve all messed up.  I need to talk to Bucky, get him to talk to you again.  We’ve all been childish, me mostly because I was just so damn jealous.  I don’t want you to lose a friend.”  Steve said quickly.  “This all isn’t going to be fixed overnight.  But I want to talk to you.  There’s a lot we haven’t discussed.  Feelings we both need to share.  I’ll fix this, even if you decide to never take me back.  I know I’ve hurt you, and if by some miracle you do decide to take me back then I’ll go at a snail’s pace to make sure I don’t do that to you again.  I’m gonna keep working on it, I promise.  Let’s just talk for now, we’ll decide later.  Do you trust me?”

Tony didn’t move at first.  Didn’t answer as he let Steve’s words process.  Then he looked down at their joined hands and squeezed.

“Yeah.”  He said.  “I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. I certainly enjoyed writing it.  
> I am still considering a part 3 for Bucky. I'm not certain. If you're interested just let me know, although it will be a while before I can start it.  
> Thank you for reading. You've all been amazing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. More to come! Feel free to comment.  
> Shout out to mscerisier for drawing me fanart! <3


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